Where have 20 years gone?!
This past Wednesday, January 7, my hubby and I hit the landmark of 20 years. 20 years! I remember when it was impressive when a couple dated for 20 months! And I have been married for 20 YEARS!
First of all, I don't feel old enough to have been married for 20 years. Okay, I know I am, in all actuality, 40 which is definitely old enough for 20 years of marriage. But there is a part of me that is in complete denial about being 40. To the deluded side of me, I'm still a young 20-something who willfully ignores the achy joints, gray hairs, and the noticeable laugh lines that are an indicator of my "advancing years."
Secondly, I certainly do not feel responsible enough or confident enough to be a 40 year old who has been married 20 years! When I was a kid, I was sure that all of the adults in my life had all of the answers and were completely capable of behaving like an adult. Truth be told, I've discovered that most of us don't have a clue and we're thrilled when we actually get it right!
Finally, there are times that I wonder if I've done enough of what matters. At my age and with 20 years of marriage (not to mention 17 years of parenting) under my belt, I see all of the lessons that I keep repeating because I haven't learned them yet; I see all the ways in which I've blown it.
In case you haven't guessed, I'm feeling introspective. Probably more introspective than is completely emotional healthy. But I guess I'm trying to figure out how to do the next 20 years better. How do I get a handle on those areas in which I continually screw up and keep what little progress I've made? And when will I ever begin to feel like a grown up?!