Simple musings of a Pastor's Wife

Blessed Beyond What we Deserve!

2011-12-18T19:22:00.000-06:00

As I sit here typing, it is almost seven p.m. No big deal for me normally, being the night owl that I am. But I'm exhausted at the moment. Could probably fall asleep if I would let myself - and I won't! Knowing my luck, I'd fall asleep now, be wide awake at 3 a.m. and get my sleep/awake cycle completely fouled up!

Why am I exhausted? So glad you asked!! Today has been a day of whirlwind activity that had me running from one "event" to the next. But it was also a day that involved a decision for our church that was a very big deal to my family!

My day started at a little before 7:00 a.m. when I hit the snooze button yet again. (I'm sure it wasn't the first time since the alarm had been set for 6:30!) I finally dragged my not-yet-fully-rested self from bed at about a 7:15. My shopping trip of the night before (a couple hours on the road to Des Moines, four hours in a busy shopping mall and then home again) had caught up with me as I knew it would. Don't get me wrong - didn't regret going for a moment since I got to spend the evening with some of my FAVORITE young ladies, but working your way through a shopping mall a week before Christmas is tiring work!

There I was, making cheesy potato casserole at 7:15 a.m. for the potluck at church. The meal would be followed by a business meeting. Today's meeting was especially important to my family but more on that later! Out the door by 8:35, heading to First Baptist; Sunday school and church then the potluck. I ate a quick lunch then ran my two youngest to the Hawkeye Theatre (for the final performance of a show they were in this weekend) then back to the church for the business meeting.

Meeting was out by about 1 then it was home to finish getting food ready for our annual Open House!! This is something my mom used to do each year when my dad was a Pastor. It's one of my favorite holiday memories from my high school years! No agenda, lots of yummy finger foods (veggies, crackers and cheese, cookies, summer sausage, etc.) and tons of fellowship! Open House from 3 - 5 or thereabouts and then clean-up which I finally completed at about 6:30. Yep, tired.

Now about that business meeting I mentioned. Remember, the one with the decision that was a big deal?! Some background information - Since we moved to Fort Dodge almost two years ago, we've been renting a home that was, at the time we moved here, up for sale. About a year and half ago, it was taken off the market. The landlords have let us know that they intend to put the house back on the market sometime after the first of the year. While we are grateful to have a place to live, it is not a house we would consider purchasing. A few weeks ago, our church choir director (who is also a realtor) walked with us through a foreclosed home that is on the market. It needs some cosmetic work and the kitchen needs a fairly complete overhaul. But when I walked through it, I knew I was already falling in love with the house. With the blessing of the realtor/choir director, our church treasurer, and the church moderator, my hubby wrote up a proposal that was presented to the Church Council (our leadership board) at their meeting the first Sunday in December. Basically, it proposed that withdraw money from an account that was created when they sold the parsonage several years ago and had been used to take care of the Pastor's housing allowance ever since. They would then make a loan to us with which we would purchase the house. All the questions about contract, contingency, etc. were asked and answered and the Council voted unanimously to take the issue to the church at the business meeting which was held today. The church family was given an explanation of the proposal, they had a chance to ask questions and then hubby and I were excused so they could discuss and vote. They voted unanimously to do just what we were asking. Even as I type that last sentence it seems a little surreal. We signed the paperwork tonight (lucky we're such good friends with out realtor that he was at the Open House!) and the offer will be made either tomorrow or the day after. Wow! There is work to be done before we move in - aka the kitchen! - and absolutely nothing is packed so there's quite a bit of work ahead of me. But I'm so grateful that the wait on this end of things is over!

But the result of the vote wasn't what REALLY blessed me. It was the reaction of our church family to the whole situation that touched my heart. One of the ladies in our church came up to hubby and I after the meeting, hugged us both and was "just thrilled" (her words) for us. Others expressed their enthusiasm and excitement for us when they stopped at the house this afternoon. A couple of them talked about the more "permanent" solution of home ownership vs. renting. One even said she felt like we were making a statement about how long we intended to stay! Rather than see the proposal as burdensome of even pushy on our part, they saw it as a chance to bless our family and were thrilled to have the chance to do so! I am so grateful for my brothers and sisters at FBC and only wish I could find words to adequately express how I feel. This has been just the most recent in a long string of incidents that keep proving to hubby and I over and over again that we are right where we are meant to be!

Seeking the "Good"

2011-12-15T21:49:00.003-06:00

Old frustrations are coming back to haunt me. As often happens, this seeps into every other area of life and leaves me frustrated and a bit snappish as well as making it difficult to find the "good".

I'm still deeply wishing and praying for a full-time job so that the stress of working two part-time jobs will be lessened. And in all honestly, if one of the two part-time employers were to offer a full-time position, I would gladly jump at the chance. Mind you, this is not a "if either one offered" attitude. Of the two, there is exactly one I desire to continue my employment with. The money from the other is a nice addition to the family finances but that is really the only good thing I can say about it.

I'm going to be honest - I've been wounded. No music teacher (or art teacher or p.e. teacher) wants to hear that they are simply there to provide planning time for the "real" teachers. I chose the music education as my major in college because I believe it has been instrumental in teaching certain lessons and bringing a sense of beauty into my life. Being denigrated to nothing more than a glorified baby-sitter is disheartening.

The other employer . . . let's just say that they've made huge strides (at least in my experience) in an effort to really include the part-time staff in the life of the institution (and there are LOTS of part-time staff!). If I got a call tomorrow offering full-time for next semester, I wouldn't have to think for longer than a second before offering an enthusiastic "yes".

But I have no reason to believe that such an offer is coming. So I seek to find the good in a job where my education and experience are not as highly valued as I'd like and I've put in numerous unpaid after school hours to get the Christmas program ready without so much as a thank you.

Looking for the good in that situation- the job is very close to home so I'm not using much gas (in warmer weather I can even walk!) and it is some extra money in the paycheck. Well, it's not much but it's a start.

Looking for the good in a more general fashion? That's a little easier - I have the opportunity to work with the Spring musical at Iowa Central Community College in 2012, an opportunity due in large part to my other theatrical involvements in the community and my part-time employment as an adjunct professor. And I will once again get the chance to work with the students at FDSH on their Spring musical! My hubby is filling our home with beautiful, handmade pieces - dining room table and chairs, bookshelves for his daughters, gifts for the kids, even a trivet or two - as well as being "commissioned" to do some pieces by friends of the family! Is it weird that I love seeing the joy that this brings him?!

I will choose to focus on these things while I wait for God to provide. And I still believe he will. I'm just getting a little impatient to see how!

Encouragement

2011-12-07T10:01:00.001-06:00

My hubby, my two eldest and I were a little late getting to bed last night. Can't speak for the other three, but I'm really not the least bit tired! I think that's because I was so encouraged by the conversation that kept us all up so late.

It all began with a question from my 18 year old - Is it truly possible for a married woman to be a pastor and still be a submissive wife who responds Biblically to her husband's leadership in the home? Now, I know that there are those with strong opinion's on both sides of the issue of women in the pulpit. That's not really what the discussion was about. I listened to my two oldest discuss this issue with some passion. The whole issue of submission was discussed with some measure of intensity.

We didn't stumble across some incredible insight that tied the whole issue up into a neat, easily explained package. I'm fairly certain it's an issue that the two of them will still wrestle with from time to time. But they are wrestling. They are questioning. They are working to make sure that the faith they possess is truly theirs, and not just a series of cliches and clever phrases they've heard and memorized. We didn't all agree with each other. We didn't even really solve anything. But I don't think that was ever possible.

I loved hearing my girls discuss the issue so passionately. I loved discussing the issue with them, not as "my little girls" but as women. In Philippians 2:12 & 13 we read - "Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed - not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence - continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who woks in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." So I cherish these types of conversations with my children. Yes, they will occasionally take a stance that disagrees with mine or their father's. But what matters most to me is that they are thinking and talking and asking questions. For that, any amount of sleep lost is worth it!

Feeling Reflective

2011-12-04T00:16:00.001-06:00

Maybe it's because of the season we are in. Maybe it's because I've been sick for most of the week so I'm emotionally already a little worked up. Or maybe it's just because.

Sang in the Sonshine Singers Christmas concert tonight. Great music, great people . . . just wish I'd felt better! But at least my voice held out till the last note was sung. Have nothing left, but I'm okay with that! One of the biggest treats of the whole experience was the two gentlemen I stood between. They are both basses and anyone who knows me well will tell you that I LOVE hearing a bass sing! I think it might have something to do with the fact that my daddy is a bass!! Just standing between these two gentlemen was a special treat for me! I have had the chance, in my teen years especially, to sing a duet or two with my dad so standing between Z and Marty tonight took me back to those cherished experiences. Once again, I'm feeling very grateful for the love of music that was nurtured in me and encouraged by my parents!

There's a song we did that has stuck with me and I thought I'd share some of the lyrics here:

How is it, Lord, we can feel so alone

When we're standing in the pressing crowd?

And why is it, Lord, we feel overwhelmed

By the sights and sounds all around?

Take us back to the place where we knew your grace;

Help us once again to see

That the manger holds the answer:

Jesus came to bring us peace.

Later, in the second verse:

O lead us, Lord, to the stable again

Give us respite from the pressing crowd

A moment in time when we're undisturbed

By the sights and sounds all around.

Take us back to the place where we knew your grace;

Help us once again to see

That the manger holds the answer:

Jesus came to bring us peace.

I can only speak for myself, but I know that peace is definitely something I could use a dose of. I'm not speaking of an end to armed conflict on a national level. I'm talking about the concept in Philippians 4:7 - "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." It is my wish for all those I come into contact with, whether personally or "virtually", that they will find at least a moment of peace in an otherwise hectic season.

Battles

2011-11-28T18:35:00.001-06:00

I'm really struggling to keep my attitude in check. Have been for the last couple of days. December is right around the corner and I stopped to think about all of the demands on my schedule during that month. It looks a little crazy - college finals to administer and final grades to turn in; college band/choir concert to attend where my second born will be performing (and I will have the privilege of sitting in with the concert band!); Senior High concert to attend so I can see my two youngest share their talents; a concert with a community-wide ensemble I'm a part of; my two youngest are in a Christmas play at a local theater; I have an elementary program to direct less than a week before Christmas; hubby and I are hosting an open house for our church family. Whew!! If you take into consideration that at least four of those events will require at least two after school or evening rehearsals, the schedule gets even nuttier! I love music performances at Christmas - really, I do!

But my attitude has been a battle nevertheless. At least one of those items I listed above is an unpleasant obligation. I won't mention which one specifically but it is attached to one of my jobs. Dealing with some of the last minute details and extra rehearsals of that particular item has sent me into a bit of a funk and I'm fighting to get out but not finding much success just yet. Not ready to give up the fight - just wish I was making more progress in a positive direction.

And of course the enemy latches onto my "funk" and takes it for a joy ride, reminding me of the frustration of my job situation and the irritations I must deal with in at least one circumstance. Not exactly the types of thoughts one wants to be having on the heels of a relaxing Thanksgiving weekend!! So I continue to fight to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5). Easier said than done but I'm not giving up!

Thanksgiving and Nostalgia

2011-11-26T23:20:00.001-06:00

Hope you all enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving, full of moments to express gratitude and chances to relax and enjoy family! Some of you may have even been able to get some Christmas shopping done this weekend, courtesy of the sales that always show up Thanksgiving weekend.

Much of my Thanksgiving weekend was spent reliving memories of Thanksgivings past.

A little bit of background - we lost my Grandma Redfield (my mom's mom) this September. She was my last surviving grandparent and her house was the scene of numerous family holiday get-togethers. Her health had been failing for some time so her passing wasn't entirely unexpected; doesn't make me miss her any less and this was especially pronounced over the holiday weekend.

Earlier this year, my mom and her brother began sorting through Grandma's things and giving much of it away to family for the purpose of renting out her house and providing funds to help provide for her care (she was living in a nursing home). As a part of this process, my sisters, cousins, and I were given chances to request certain items from the house that we would like to have. Thankfully, there didn't seem to be any conflict over any of the requests - Praise God for small favors! - and one of the things I received was a set of dishes. No big deal, right? You set the table with them and you eat off of them. But these dishes are so much more than that to me.

Grandma purchased these dishes from a neighbor. This neighbor and her husband had actually bought the farmhouse my Grandparents lived in for quite some time. When Grandpa stopped farming, they moved to the house my uncle had built right next door. The new residents of the farmhouse turned the old milk barn into a cute little store that sold stoneware dish sets. Grandma took me over there with her one day and asked me to help her pick out a set. I happily agreed and she bought a set of dinner plates. Over time she added some pitchers, bowls, dessert plates, a meat platter, serving dishes . . . you get the idea! She didn't use those dishes all the time but they definitely came out at the holidays. Every time I saw that familiar pattern on the table at Thanksgiving or Christmas I felt just a little bit special. After all, I had helped pick out those dishes and they were considered special enough to be used on special occasions! Do you understand now why I requested those dishes when I was given the opportunity to do so?!

And can you guess which dishes graced my table this Thanksgiving? When it came time to clean up from the meal I shooed the entire family away and told them I would handle the clean up myself (with the one exception of allowing hubby to help put away the leftovers!). I needed some time alone with the memories. As I carefully washed each of those precious pieces, I flashed back to a kitchen crowded with Grandma, my mom, my aunt and all six of the cousins as we were all called upon, after each holiday meal, to help clear the table, take care of leftovers and see that the dishes got washed, dried, and put away. As a teenager, that kitchen was uncomfortably crowded and I really didn't want to spend my holiday doing dishes. Now I would give anything for one more chance to stand in a kitchen with those women and share the responsibility of cleaning up as well as share the stories of our lives.

As an extra-added little touch of nostalgia, I found out on Thanksgiving that my mom and dad had headed to Ludington, MI - about four hours from where they live in Battle Creek - because my aunt and uncle were going to be celebrating Thanksgiving at their oldest daughter's home. It was the first time in 12 years that my mom got to spend a holiday with her brother!!

My extended family was much on my mind this weekend. My sisters, cousins, and I have moved to various places across the country - Michigan, Iowa, Texas, and Pennsylvania to be specific! - so face to face get-togethers are rare. But I've been able to keep track of what's going on with all of them at least a little bit and our chance to chat at Grandma's funeral was precious to me. I love hearing what is going on in their lives and love them all dearly. What I wouldn't give to do just one more puzzle with my aunt, my cousins, my mom and my sisters. It was a holiday tradition that we rarely missed. We almost always finished the puzzle but that wasn't the really important part. It was always the time that we "women" caught up with each other. When we were kids, my cousins and I would use the great desk Grandma and Grandpa had to play "office". We always made the two youngest be the receptionists. We told them it was their job to answer the phone and that we would let them know when it rang. It never did but it took the two of them quite some time to figure out that we were tricking them!

I'm proud of the heritage I've been given by my parents and grandparents. Are they perfect? No. Which basically makes them normal! But I've learned about the importance of being involved in my community, the value of investing in young people and my local church and so many other things. My grandparents were a small town couple who raised two kids, had six grand-daughters and, at current count, have 13 great-grandchildren. They never made headlines or changed the world. But they made sure that their extended family had a place to gather and stay in touch. They opened their hearts (and their home!) to their family, their community, and their church and I'm a better person for having known them so well.

No Easy Answers

2011-10-24T09:54:00.001-05:00

It would be nice if I could narrow my thoughts down to a few pithy phrases that could be expounded on and spread over several days. That would make it so much easier to get something on this blog daily! Truth is, what I'm walking through right now is not easily watered down into a few choice phrases that are cleverly worded, easily remembered, and oft-quoted.

My last entry talked about the power of prayer - the ability to, whenever I choose, enter the very throne room of God and have his attention. In that entry I mentioned that I was going to practice just "being" in the presence of God. True to my statement, I've done just that. Rather than allowing me to get a grip on the concept of being in God's presence, it simply continues to overwhelm me. The more time I spend just "being" the more aware I am of the honor I have been given and the more reverent my attitude when I come to pray.

So, there is nothing profound or new for me to say here. I'm simply continuing to seek a better understanding of prayer - the power I have access to, the various mentions of prayer in scripture and the instructions or lessons contained therein; guess you could say I'm still "in the process." And I have a feeling this is not going to be quick!

Taking power for granted

2011-10-04T23:28:00.000-05:00

"The LORD said to Moses: “Tell your brother Aaron that he is not to come whenever he chooses into the Most Holy Place behind the curtain in front of the atonement cover on the ark, or else he will die. For I will appear in the cloud over the atonement cover."
Leviticus 16:2

The emphasis in the above verse is mine. That warning seems strong. Especially to someone like me who is living after the New Covenant. Aaron - and the High Priests of Israel that came after him - were allowed only one visit each year to the most holy place. In the rest of Leviticus 16 you can read the painstaking ritual that had to be followed for Aaron to safely enter and exit the most holy place. If any of those steps was skipped or short-changed the high priest would not survive the experience. The most holy place was filled with the presence of God. The access was limited to one man, once a year.

Heady stuff right? I admire Aaron's willingness to even try and enter the most holy place. I don't know that I could have done it. Or watched a husband or son try it!!!

Then I read Hebrews 4:14-15:
"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Wait a minute. I am being told to approach God's throne confidently. And I don't see a limit on when or how often. If I'm reading these verse correctly - and I believe that I am - the gift of Calvary changed the requirements for entering God's presence and the frequency with which it can occur. I can confidently enter God's presence. No ritual sacrifices or bathing as described in Leviticus 16. No offerings or special garments. Just enter.

Do I even get what that means?! When I pray I have immediate access to God's throne!! Not even the High Priest of God's chosen people had that kind of access prior to Calvary. And what do I do with that access? What kind of attitude do I bring with me into the presence of God? I'd rather not answer that question.

Oh, let's be honest. I walk into the presence of God wanting help managing my time, solutions for problems, intervention for friends who are stressed . . . not that those aren't worthwhile things to pray for. It just ends up sounding like a shopping list. But do I REALLY get that I am in the presence of Almighty God?! That he listens and wants to move in my life?! Truth be told, I don't think so.

So now what? Where do I go from this realization? I'm going to spend much more time simply "being" in the presence of God and not so much time talking! I want to enter every time of prayer very mindful of the privilege that it is to enter the presence of my King. I wonder if my prayer habits will change? What do you think?

If it weren't for my past . . .

2011-09-23T23:40:00.001-05:00

I am currently back in Michigan, along with my family, for my Grandmother's funeral. Her passing was not entirely unexpected since her health has been slowly failing for some time now. It doesn't make me miss her any less, but I've gone through the pain of unexpected loss when my Grandfather died and I'm not reeling as badly this time around.

My kids begged to go back to the small town restaurant my grandparents used to take us to when we would return to my hometown for a visit. We managed to catch dinner there before the visitation at the funeral home tonight. My kids, ranging in age from 20 - 15 have spent quite a bit of time playing "Do you remember . . ." and sharing memories from hanging out with their Great-Grandparents and Grandparents. My sisters and I have also done a bit of reminiscing about our years in our hometown. We talked about friends, some of whom we've renewed contact with via things like Facebook, and old boyfriends. The memories moved from there to family activities to church and school events.

I had a moment of clarity that could possibly be called an epiphany. Every moment, choice, and experience - whether good or bad - has made me the person I am today and led to where I am in life. The positive parts of my character and my relationships have been crafted by the variety of experiences I had growing up in a small Michigan town. Do I ever have the urge to play "What if " or "I wonder if"? Sure. Don't we all have those moments when we think about what used to be? Whatever was, I am who I am today because of my past and I am where I am - married to a Pastor, mother of four children, etc. - because of the paths I followed in my past.

It is my hope and prayer that I have learned from my mistakes enough not to repeat them, that I have learned from my successes and repeat them often, that my failed relationships taught me something about how to love better and more effectively and that I remember to be grateful for all of it.

Glitz and Tinsel

2011-09-10T12:43:00.001-05:00

When one teaches K-8 general music part-time at a small Christian school, one finds herself teaching Christmas songs in September in order to have the little darlings ready for the Christmas program come December! After all, I only have my students once a week for 45 minutes! That means 15 weeks from the beginning of the school year until the program (allowing for days off like Thanksgiving weekend!). This year, I took on a rather ambitious project that will involve some "outside of school" rehearsal time as well. Several years ago, the students at this particular school performed a musical called "Miracle on Main Street" written by Celeste Clydesdale. Since the budget is tight and it's been long enough that the former cast has moved on to high school or college, I decided to pull it back out and do it again this year.

It's everything you would expect from a Christmas musical for kids - fun songs in varying styles, fairly simple dialogue, an obvious plot line. Don't get me wrong - you can't write musically challenging shows with complicated plots if you want children to perform in them. It would just frustrate them! I only state that it was everything I expected to find in a Children's Christmas musical. But I have found some profound, challenging thoughts and statements in the lyrics. I only hope I can get at least some of what I've learned across to my students.

The first moment came when I was going over a song entitled "Glitz and Tinsel" in preparation for teaching it to my students. The song is talking about those who seem to be in the Christmas spirit on the outside - lots of festive decorations, cute Christmas sweaters and ties, lots of parties, etc. - but completely miss the fact that Christmas is the celebration of Christ's birth. The lyrics are a bit challenging. (The toughest ones are boldfaced.)

If it's only glitz and tinsel it's a meaningless display.
It's like a present with no gift inside.
It's like a Christmas card no one cared to sign.
I'm sure I've done it from time to time;
I've polished up the surface and not what's deep inside.

Ouch! As an adult and a teacher, it's tough for me to admit that I've been that shallow. But if I have an hope of impacting my students - or my own children! - I have to be carefully honest about my own struggles to grow spiritually. I'm not saying I should hand out all the gory details of every time I've ever given in to temptation. But I can at least be honest enough with my students to admit that there are times I get hung up on the trappings of Christmas and forget to take care of "what's deep inside". Maybe then we can work together to keep our focus where it needs to be this year - on the baby in a manger, born in the shadow of a cross.

Counting the Cost

2011-07-30T23:29:00.000-05:00

"The loss of transcendence has left in its wake the flotsam of distrustful, cynical Christians, angry at a capricious God, and the jetsam of smug bibliolatrists who claim to know precisely what God is thinking and exactly what he plans to do." (Ruthless Trust, page 81)

Have you ever been be driven to your knees in breathless awe of God's transcendence? Not sure I ever have. I know that I have heard many sermons and Sunday School lessons on God's justice, the growth of the early church, the Great Commission, the stories in the Old Testament . . . you get the idea! But my memories of sermons or Sunday School lessons which focused on the fact that God is so beyond me as to be undefinable and uncontainable?! I have very few (if any) which leads me to believe that perhaps there has not been as much attention paid to this issue as there should have been.

According to dictionary.com, capricious is defined as "subject to, led by, or indicative of caprice or whim; erratic". I think I can safely say that God is not capricious. He does not manipulate our lives to suit his whims. We are not merely here to provide some measure of amusement for him. His actions are certainly not erratic. We may not always understand why things happen the way they do, but that doesn't mean that God is erratic. The simple fact is God does not owe us an answer for why he allows certain things to happen in our lives. He may occasionally allow us to see his purpose but he is not obligated to do so.

As for those who try to claim that they have a good handle on what God expects of us, that is arrogance at best and a blatant flouting of scripture at it's worst. In Isaiah 55:8-9 we read, " 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.' " If God's thoughts and ways are higher than man's, why on earth would ANYONE assume that they can explain God?!

So how do we avoid the arrogance of assuming we fully understand God or the frustration that comes from believing him to be erratic? We seek a better understanding of His word. We dwell on verses like the one mentioned above and allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by the "bigness" of God. It's time to allow ourselves to dwell on exactly what scripture tells us of God's character and what the gift of Calvary really entails and then allow all of that to drive us to our knees.

I've been asking God to blow my mind with a better understanding of just how far beyond me he really is. I want to be blown away by how very poor my understanding of him is and will be this side of glory. He is my Abba and I am so grateful for the intimacy that term implies. But he is also Yahweh and I want to function in an awareness of just what the name means, just how beyond me he is. It's not that I seek to think that I am too far beneath God to matter; instead, I seek to understand how far above me he is and be grateful that he still seeks to have a relationship with me!

Moralism and Legalism

2011-07-29T23:07:00.000-05:00

In my copy of Ruthless Trust the chapter entitled "Infinite and Intimate" is full of highlighted passages. The entire book was the beginning of a major paradigm shift for me and this particular chapter was quite possibly the most powerful part of that motivation. The following passage stopped me short and I re-read it multiple times:

"Moralism and its stepchild, legalism, pervert the character of the Christian life. By the time young people enter college, they have often abandoned God, church, and religion. If they persevere in religious practices, their need to appease an arbitrary God turns Sunday worship into a supersititous insurance policy designed to protect the believer against God's whims."

Manning purports that the church's failure to dwell on God's transcendence has resulted in a rather self-absorbed focus on how we are behaving and how we are "feeling". We worry about how happy we are, how fulfilled we are and we relegate God to the role of divine regulations overseer. Children in the church are taught that God cares about their external behaviors - everything from whether or not they wash their hands eating to sexual purity. While it's true that our behavior can be an outward expression of what is going on in our hearts, it is also true that people can maintain a certain level of behavior simply as a way of pleasing others.

You probably could have called me a "goody-two-shoes" during my school years. I never got into much trouble mostly because I lived in a very small town and my father was the pastor of the only church within the village limits. I should probably also mention that my grandmother was the secretary to the Superintendent of the school district. Everyone knew who I was and who I was related to so any bad behavior on my part would have gotten home before I did. My conduct was acceptable. My motivation was anything but. I wasn't doing the "right thing" because I was motivated by the overwhelming realization of God's love and glory - I simply wanted to keep myself from getting grounded!!

When we ignore God's glory, his transcendence, what then motivates our actions? An awareness of how undeserving we are of God's love combined with an awareness of just how great that love is will in turn motivate us to obey - to do the "right thing" - because we want to, in some small way, return the love we've been shown. We stop seeing God as a cranky being just waiting to nail us for screwing up and begin to see that he is passionately pursuing us as a bridegroom who cannot wait for the day when he claims his bride!

The Paradox of Infinite and Intimate

2011-07-24T13:49:00.001-05:00

Many people today - Jesus followers included - tend to view God as loving, caring father figure. They say he is completely loving and longs to give us good things. All of that is true. We only need to look at passages like Matthew 7:11 which reads - "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" And then there is John 15:15 - "I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." In other words, scripture backs up the attitude that God is loving and personal

But we fall short if that is where our attempt to understand the character of God comes to an end. This same loving God is also completely "other". He is the same God who refused to let Moses actually see him. God wasn't being mean. He just knows that we, in our limited, finite form, cannot handle seeing God face to face. I don't mean it would be difficult for us - I mean it would kill us! In Exodus 33, Moses asks God to show himself. God agrees to walk by and let Moses see his glory after he has passed. God's reason for this is clearly stated in verse 20 - "But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.” I don't believe there is anything else in all of creation that would kill you with simply a glance.

If we limit our "understanding" of God to those characteristics that we find comforting and loving, we cheat ourselves and prevent ourselves from truly drawing close to him. As Manning states in Ruthless Trust, "We pay a price for steering clear of transcendence and unknowability. The loss of a sense of transcendence among believers has caused incalculable harm to Christian spirituality and to the interior life of individual Christians." That's a strong statement, I realize, and that's one of the reasons it caught my attention when I first read the book. But I believe he is right. When we ignore God's transcendence, we cheat ourselves. We set ourselves up to worry that there may be some situations he cannot handle. We fail to feel a sense of awe that the transcendent God is truly interested in us.

The challenge for any believe is to see God as both personal - invested in the lives of those who love him - and transcendent - holier than anything we can possibly fathom this side of glory!

Kabod

2011-07-20T22:10:00.000-05:00

I learned a new word while reading Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust. That word is "Kabod". It's the Hebrew word in Scripture that is often translated as "glory" and is used in reference to God. As sometimes happens in scripture, we fail to catch the full grasp of what Kabod actually means; translation has lost some of the subtleties of it's different uses. It has been used in scripture to represent something of great importance, a description of majesty, and a representation of rank. It eventually came to be associated with the glory of God appearing as a light so brilliant that God himself could not be seen for it's glow. Victor Hugo once described God as "a divine and terrible radiance." Many Bible scholars, Manning included, seem to think that this is a fairly accurate way to describe the response that a serious meditation of Kabod Yahweh is meant to bring out in us.

When trying to get his reader to understand that God is both personal and majestic - or as the title of Chapter 6 in the book says, "Infinite and Intimate" - he has this to say:

"Kabod is not a safe topic. It induces a feeling of terror before the Infinite and exposes as sham our empty religious talk and pointless activity, our idle curiosity and ludicrous pretensions of importance, our frantic busyness. The awareness that the eternal transcendent God of Jesus Christ is our absolute future gives us the shakes."

I've had many moments in my life when God has been the source of comfort I have so desperately needed. He has been my loving Abba who has allowed me to, in a metaphorical sense, climb up in his lap and tearfully point out all the bumps and bruises that life has handed me. But I'm not really comfortable with thinking about his "divine terrible radiance." Focusing on the transcendence of God is intimidating at best and terrifying at worst!

But there is this: if my Abba, the King above all Kings and the Lord above all Lords, is the same God whose glory is so beyond what I can conceive, how much more of a privilege is it to call him Abba and have the privilege of coming into his presence whenever and wherever?!

I've said it before and I'll state it again here. As frightening as it can be to spend large amounts of thinking about Kabod, thinking about God's transcendence, I do not want to serve a God who merely makes me comfortable. I do not want to serve a God that I can explain and understand. If I, a flawed human limited by my finite existence, can fully explain and understand God, then how great can he really be?! But if his character and Kabod are so far beyond me as to leave me a little shaken, then he is truly God and there is no other.

An Act of the Will

2011-07-16T21:48:00.000-05:00

Everyone faces heart-wrenching difficulty at one point in their lives. For most of the human race, difficulties come more than just once. How do we cope? When we don't see any answers or reason, how do we keep going? Difficult situations hurt and they can even make us ask God "Why?!" He doesn't have to give us an answer to that question. Sometimes he does. Sometimes he does not. And both responses are good because he cannot be anything BUT good.

But that doesn't answer the question of how we keep going. In his book, Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning touches on the very human reaction to painful times in the following quote: "Harriet Beecher Stowe understood the depths of the human struggle when she wrote these words to a heart broken friend: 'When the heart-strings are suddenly cut, it is, I believe, a physical impossibility to feel faith or resignation, there is a revolt of the instinctive and animal system, and though we may submit to God, it is rather by constant painful effort than sweet attraction.'"

That's a side of trust that many of us don't like to think about much less discuss. But we've all been there. Those dark moments when we cling to God out of a desperate need to cling to something. We are raw and hurting and really wish it all made sense. When we cannot do anything else we make the "painful effort" Stowe referred to and we trust out of sheer need.

And I sincerely believe this is absolutely okay with our Abba. I don't believe that it brings God pleasure to watch us walk through dark times. Sometimes they are things he has allowed to happen because he needs to work on us, to polish off some rough edges. Sometimes they are difficulties that our own choices brought down on us and letting us suffer the consequences can be the most effective teacher. And sometimes we are simply hurt by the fact that we live in a fallen world. Whatever the cause, I believe that Abba hurts with us, cries with us, and definitely walks with us through all of it. If my children are hurting and suffering and they throw themselves at me all tears and sniffles and anxious thoughts, I'm going to throw my arms around them and hold on until they don't need me to hold on anymore. Can you imagine our PERFECT Heavenly Father doing anything less?!

So the next time the clouds gather and the pain sets in, don't feel obligated to slap on a happy face and pretend like everything's good; don't feel the need to fake having all the answers. Throw yourselves into the arms of the Father and let it all out - the pain, the fear, the frustration, the pain. Make the painful effort to choose trust and eventually the trust will become sweet once again.

Free to be Grateful!

2011-07-14T14:20:00.000-05:00

I've often heard - and I believe that scripture REPEATEDLY backs it up - that one of the many things Jesus did during his earthly ministry was give us a glimpse of who God is. In Jesus' compassion for the lost, we saw the heart of God. In the frustration Jesus' displayed with the money changers in the temple, we saw God's justice. You get the idea!

At the heart of trust - as I am continuing to learn! - is the acceptance of that revelation of Jesus that lets me see at least a glimpse of the character of God. As Brennan Manning states "Uncontaminated trust in the revelation of Jesus allows us to breath more freely, to dance more joyfully, and to sing more gratefully about the gift of salvation."

"Uncontaminated trust" - that's an interesting description, don't you think?! One might say that trust is, as it's very core, free of contamination. But let's be honest. Circumstances can serve to contaminate our trust can't they? A job lay-off, a serious illness, a broken heart - all of these can make us turn to God with an attitude of "Are you paying attention?! Seriously?!" I would say that when life throws those curveballs at us, our trust will, for at least a moment get "contaminated".

Have you been there? Or are you, like me, living right now in a set of circumstances that is trying VERY HARD to contaminate your trust? Then let's try something together, okay? Close your eyes for a moment. Take a few slow breaths. Just concentrate on the rise and fall of your breathing. Calmed down yet? Good. Now I want you to think about all of the things that Scripture says about Jesus - what he said and did - and what those things tell us about the character of our Abba.

Jesus was called a drunkard and glutton by the religious leaders because he hung out with the "undesirables." Guess that means that nobody is "beneath" God. When a group of angry, pious Jews brought a woman to Jesus because she had committed a crime that was punishable by stoning, he told those who had never done wrong to throw the first stone. When everyone else walked away, Jesus told her to "go and sin no more." Guess that says volumes about Abba's willingness to offer forgiveness and a second (third, fourth . . . )chance. Jesus scolded his disciples when they tried to keep some kids away from Jesus. No such thing as "the wrong age" for God. Jesus had both men and women involved in his ministry and ministered to both Jews and Gentiles so gender and race don't matter.

But what about people and their suffering? Jesus wept at the death of a friend. He felt even the smallest touch on his garment when it was motivated by suffering laced with a touch of hope. He noticed people. All kinds of people. And when he knew the end was near, he stood on a hill overlooking Jerusalem and wept for those who were too blind and deaf to understand what he was about to do and why.

I can't tell you why bad things happen. I cannot even begin to guess what the purpose of suffering is. But I can tell you this - when you weep in frustration, Abba is there to throw his arms around and simply let you weep for a moment. When you ask why, he doesn't get angry. He may not give you the answer but he will give you the energy and the courage to take one more step.

Then it happens. In the midst of the difficulty, with no clear answers yet in sight, it will happen. You will find a moment of calm. And then a moment of peace. Not peace with difficult circumstances but peace with the one who will give you the endurance needed to take one more step. Friend, do not let anyone tell you that you must be happy in the midst of painful circumstances. And don't let them fool you that you will someday know why you had to suffer a particular pain. God doesn't owe us an explanation and there are times he won't "tell us" why certain things happened. But I am his, he loves me, and his kingdom will be expanded through my "dark times" and that alone is reason to trust. From there, it's a simply matter of drawing close to him so he can undo the damage that my circumstances have done to the trust I have in him. Once my trust has been officially "uncontaminated" again, then I can once again "sing more gratefully about the gift of salvation."

2011-07-13T22:21:00.002-05:00

Have you ever felt like you just don't fit in? Maybe it was at school or - tragically - in your own family? Here's the tough question - ever felt like you just don't fit in with the family of God? Ever wondered if Calvary was really intended for you? I've been there. And without going to too much lengthy explanation, I'm coming through that phase into a place where I am very secure in "whose" I am. Which leads to yet another "Ruthless Trust" quote that practically leapt off the page at me!

In this particular excerpt, Manning begins by quoting another Godly writer -

"Swiss theologian Hans Urs von Balthasar states, ' We need only to know who and what we really are to break into spontaneous praise and thanksgiving." Scarred and screwed-up though we are, an appreciation of our greatness as Abba's beloved child, vibrantly alive in Christ Jesus, overcomes the sleazy sense of our seedy self and elicits the grateful exclamation, 'I thank you, Lord, for the wonder of myself' (Psalm 139:14)."

You know what? I think both Manning and von Balthasar are correct. If I spend even just a few moments focused on how much my Abba loves me, how much he wants to pour himself into me, there really is no other choice but gratitude!! Oh, how precious to me is the fact that he doesn't see the messes I've made. He chooses to see the grand design he has placed in me and delights in those moments when I take even just a step or two in the right direction!

Just thinking about how much he loves me, leads me to one of my favorite verses in Scripture, Zephaniah 3:17 - "The Lord your God is with you; He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." God is absolutely holy, he is absolutely just and he is absolutely crazy about me! How can I not humbly express my thanks for his favor?!

2011-07-11T21:58:00.002-05:00

Gratitude and Trust -

In Manning's book, Ruthless Trust, we read "The foremost quality of a trusting disciple is gratefulness. Gratitude arises from the lived perception, evaluation, and acceptance of all of life as grace - as an undeserved and unearned gift from the Father's hand."

Like most of the quotes I'll be sharing, I read and re-read this portion. I had never seen gratitude and trust as being so closely linked but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. How can I trust someone that I do not know will always be there? And what better way to make sure that I remember what God can and will do for me than by being careful to be grateful?!

This past weekend, I attended the Women's Conference for the American Baptist churches in our region. In a discussion group time we were asked to talk about times that we had seen God's grace evidenced in our life. Grace was defined, for our purposes in this exercise, as "getting something we didn't deserve". As our group talked, it struck me that most (if not all) of what we were mentioning were everyday things - family, jobs, safety while commuting, kids who are turning out pretty well. I was a little ashamed at the fact that I rarely - if ever - thank God for any of it. At the very least, I'm not consistent in expressing how grateful I am.

I came home from the conference, determined to make sure that I see God's grace in those "everyday" moments. Like laughing with my family at the dinner table. Or sharing some SERIOUS belly laughs with my girls while I baked cupcakes that they were intent on frosting without my help. And now it's listening to them as they are in the living room watching "Meet the Robinson's and quoting their favorite lines (it's a family past-time to quote and/or sing along with our favorite movies!). I love hearing them enjoy one another's company and I still love to hear my kids laugh. It's one of the daily graces and I am ever so grateful for.

What about you? Are you ready to demonstrate your trust in Abba by looking for things each day that you can thank him for? It won't always be easy, I know, but I'm going to try. And if He keeps me doing it faithfully, guess that's one more display of his grace I should be thankful for, right?!

2011-07-09T20:57:00.007-05:00

From "Ruthless Trust" -

"Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, 'Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind and spirit and this entire day - morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen.'"

Can I tell you a secret? In my most private prayer times, I pretty much exclusively refer to my heavenly father as "Abba". This is a habit I started back in my college days, right around the time that I learned what that particular word means. Essentially, it's the equivalent of "Daddy"; that familiar term children use for the man who will always have the answers and make things better (or so small children think). The term is so valuable to me that I wear a ring on my right thumb, the design of which is called "Abba's Heart". I found the piece when I was at a Christian festival and stopped at the "Remember Me" Jewelry booth. I kept stopping by and re-reading the poem that came with the ring :

This ring represents the
Daddy Heart of God.
‘bring your hurtin’, climb on up
I know just what to do
I’ve been waiting, anticipating
time alone with you
nowhere else I’d rather be
in this entire world
than here with you, believe- it’s true…
you’re Daddy’s little girl
I Love You’
Romans 8:15

Get an idea why this poem and piece of jewelry mean so much?! And do you understand why the prayer in the passage I quoted at the top of this blog got my attention?! I'm not usually a big one for pre-written prayers but this one might become the exception. Maybe I'm the only person alive who can relate to having a heart that is "feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain" but somehow I doubt it! What a comfort to know that I can, as the quote states, fall into him with all of my shortcoming and know that Abba will catch me! After all, I'm Daddy's Little Girl!

P.S. - I've shared the link to the "Remember Me" Jewelry page for "my" ring just so you can see it!

http://www.remembermejewelry.com/jewelry/healed-broken-heart/abbas-heart-ring

2011-07-08T09:06:00.005-05:00

What is trust?

In light of the frustrating circumstances of past weeks, it's a question I've struggled with. As person after well-meaning person quotes Romans 8:28 to me and tells me that I just need to trust and God will show me the good, I've tried to get a grip on exactly what it means to trust God.

I found a copy of Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust that I had inherited from my sister and decided to read it. Wow. It wasn't what I expected at all. No well-worn cliches, no "don't-worry-be-happy" Christianity in those pages. At times it's confrontational. At other times it's raw and almost too honest. There are moments of comfort, moments of challenge . . . it's not an easy read but it's worth every difficult page turn!

I found myself underlining passages that jumped off the page at me. Since completing the book, I keep going back to those underlined passages. For the next few (several?) blog entries, I will be sharing these quotes and the impact they have had.

"Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch. When all else is unclear, the heart of trust says, as Jesus did on the cross, 'Into your hands I commit my spirit'. (Luke 23:46)" I cannot begin to tell you what a comfort this verse was. Trusting God does not mean I deny the pain or difficulty. So many people have intimated, using Romans 8:28 as their support, that if I just look hard enough I will find the good in any circumstance. But if I can look and find the good on my own, why do I need to trust God?

It is only when I throw myself into the arms of my Abba that I am truly trusting. When I seek to find "clarity" (which Manning paints as the enemy of trust) or to find the good in every situation I face, I remove God from the picture. When I know that I cannot figure it out or even survive it on my own, when I run stumbling and crying to Him, it is then that I begin to trust.

I'm learning that trust does not deny the pain of the circumstance. It isn't a Pollyanna-like approach to life in which we insist that there is a bright side to everything. Trust is, at it's core, an honest assessment of the situation and an absolute refusal to allow those circumstances to change my view of God. And when those circumstances drive me to a place where the only thing that is sure in my life is God's love for me, I can rest fully in that love - then I am beginning to learn how to trust.

2011-06-18T00:24:00.002-05:00

Just when I think I know my kids . . .

I have worked on several theater productions with my kids; sometimes all of them, sometimes only a couple, sometimes, just one. I've been onstage with three of the four at least once (I'll be onstage with the fourth this fall!) and we've had just about every imaginable combination of two people working in various aspects - one on stage and one in the pit, one on stage crew and one in the pit, etc. So working with my kids in theater is nothing new.

But this current experience has been unique. Our church decided to sponsor a youth theater this summer. We started with a Junior High cast doing "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" and it opens this Friday (June 24th). Since the goal of the youth theater is to help train students in all aspects of theater from directing to stage crew to acting. My son is in the production and two of my girls asked to be a part of the experience. My youngest daughter wanted to be student director and my eldest asked to be stage manager. I explained to them what I expected and they were still interested so we took off for a new theater experience.

My expectations were fairly simple - by the end of the rehearsal process, I wanted my student director to have given notes, corrected mistakes, polished blocking, etc. and I wanted my stage manager (aka my eldest daughter) to have the backstage organized in such a way that the cast and crew could function. Our church has a small stage which has been used for nothing but storage for the last 30 years so the curtains probably need to be replaced and the "stage lighting" consists of five light switches, some ceiling lights, and a few track lights. These lights must be controlled by someone backstage since that's where the switches are and this job fell to my stage manager. She made incredibly good use of the little lighting we have as well as the stage curtain. Every lighting plan was her idea and I love what she has done. True, she checked a few things with me to make sure that the staging and lighting would work together. But the final decisions I left up to her.

My student director (aka the youngest daughter) ran a few rehearsals and added some fun things that cracked me up!! She has exhibited all kinds of confidence when giving the actors notes to help improve their performances and she has been an invaluable help when it comes to clearing up confusion, tweaking blocking, encouraging cast members . . . it's been a blast to work with her!!

I've loved every opportunity I have had to see my kids involved in something they enjoy and that allows them to display their talents. But this has been an unforgettable experience. With the show opening in just a week, I have pretty much handed things over to them and focused on playing for the show since I am serving as piano player and sole pit member!! They have done all I asked of them and more. I have no idea if they have enjoyed the experience or not but it's definitely been something new for them and it's been fun for me to discover that they each have a talent for the job that they took on!!

2011-06-02T08:40:00.003-05:00

Trying on optimism -

I am not naturally an optimistic person. Yes, there are probably reasons, and yes a good therapist could probably help me tackle them. Be that as it may, I am trying to think more like an optimist today.

One of the jobs I applied for I have not yet heard anything from them. Not even a "Thanks for your application we'll keep it on file". But it's only been a couple of days since I dropped the app off so . . . I wait!

There was a second job I had grabbed an application for that recently posted. E-mailed the superintendent with some questions and got a response along the lines of "there might not be a job after all because we might share a teacher with another school district". Huh. Okay. Moving on.

If I need to feel positive about how something in my life is going, I need look no further than the performing arts. Our church is sponsoring a Youth Theater program this summer called Take 2 Summer Youth Theater. The goal is to produce two musicals - one with a Junior High cast and one with Senior High performers. The Jr. High show - "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" - is currently in rehearsals and I am SOOOO proud of my kids! They are doing a tremendous job getting the show ready for an audience. I have a crazy supportive mom of a couple cast members who has been my right arm through it all - rounding up costumes, getting the posters designed, finding us free radio advertising - and I enjoy working with them.

As if that wasn't enough, I auditioned for a show that a local theater company, Comedia Musica Players, will begin rehearsing in August (onstage in November) - Stephen Sondheim's "Into the Woods". I LOVE this show. The role of the Witch has been on my list of "Dream roles I would love to play" for many years. I actually got the chance to direct it a few years back and was thrilled when I heard Comedia was doing it. Got the call last night - I'll be playing the witch!!! I'm still in shock!!

Now if I could just find a way to turn all of this theater stuff into a paycheck . . .

2011-05-31T08:10:00.004-05:00

In the calm after the "storm" -

Just said farewell to the last portion of my extended family who had come out to Iowa for my second born child's graduation celebration. It's been an INSANE four weeks - administering finals at the college and turning in final grades, Senior High Spring show, all the end of the year concerts/award ceremonies/projects, graduation party to plan and shop for, and 13 family members dropping in for the graduation weekend. Eleven of those family members ranging in age from my parents in their 60's to my three year old niece stayed in my home. Chaotic?! You bet! We still have left over bags of chips that didn't get eaten at the grad party. Sorry, the cake is all gone! But I could hook you up with some veggies and dip or left over sloppy joes. And if you just love a deli meat sandwich, I have one whole tray left over untouched!!

My house is showing the wear and tear of the last four weeks. It's not completely falling apart but my floors are crying out for a good, focused, cleaning. My kitchen surfaces could probably use a careful scrub down. Piles of "stuff" have accumulated that need going through, end tables need cleared off, the graduate needs to take care of her cards, etc. and mom is REALLY looking forward to a schedule that does not have to be planned with the precision of a military expedition!

Do you want to know a secret? There is a part of me that will be sad to pull the house back together. In all of the chaos of the last four weeks, in all of the craziness that goes with the end of the school, with all of the stress that comes during the final couple weeks of a show, I've learned things about myself and built cherished memories. Once I pull the house together, I admit that this busy but fun-filled period of life has come to an end. And if you've read the last couple of entries, you know that what awaits me on the other side of the clean up isn't exactly fun.

So, if you don't mind, I'll let that stack of graduation cards sit on my counter just a bit longer. I'll smile just one more time at all the graduation party invitations from my Seven Brides cast members still covering my refrigerator even though most of the parties have already happened. I'll sit on my back deck with a glass of lemonade and reflect on the outing to McDonald's that the women of the family - three generations in all - took and the conversations that we shared. I'll relish the fact that my niece and nephews were thrilled to come to "Aunt Moj's" house and hated to leave. I know that the work needs to be done and my house needs to recover. But I think it can handle just one more day while I bask in the warmth of the happy memories.

2011-05-27T21:38:00.002-05:00

Next steps -

Filling out job applications, taking chances on jobs that you are not even sure you are qualified for, hearing rumors about possible openings, trying to verify said rumors . . . it's exhausting!

I've had several people "remind" me of Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future." I say "remind" because I happen to have that verse memorized. But there is something about the context of that verse that I tend to forget because it is NOT comforting.

Jeremiah is talking to the nation of Israel which has been taken into exile. They are refusing to "settle in" because false prophets are more than willing to tell them what they want to hear - that God is going to take them home soon! Then Jeremiah shows up with God's REAL message which is "Ya'll better settle in and get used to life in Babylon because you are here to stay for the next 70 years. Have kids, marry them off, plant gardens, build homes . . . become a part of the community because I am not taking you home for awhile."

Think about what probably happened in that 70 years. Loved ones died, children married into local families, children were born who had never known anything but Babylon . . . this wasn't an easy message for the people of God to hear! And when the 70 years was up, what happened? They returned to the land God had promised them, yes, but they left behind those who had died and been buried in Babylon and there might have even been some of those children who were married off that decided Babylon was home. So when I think about the phrase, "I know the plans I have for you" in it's original context, it's not exactly comforting! And don't worry - I'm fairly certain that the good-hearted people that feel it necessary to quote that verse to me do not mean to imply that my situation won't change for 70 years!

There is another verse that I have memorized that I much prefer right now to find comfort in. Zephaniah 3:17 says "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Believe me, my thoughts and my heart have needed some quieting in recent days.

Situations like the one I now find myself in are a clear lesson that I DO NOT possess much patience. Summer is around the corner and the next school year will be here before I know it. There are some job issues I would like to have settled before then, people who need to be notified if I will not be available to help fulfill their needs, and in my limited, finite, understanding it would be helpful if I could give them plenty of advanced warning! But, as I said, my understanding is limited and finite and I'm desperately trying to trust that the same God who will lead me to "the next thing" will keep those people from being furious if I must give them a very late "no". He can also sustain me through another life-draining year like the one I just had. Knowing what to expect would be nice. Then again, that wouldn't require trust would it?

2011-05-24T10:51:00.003-05:00

Warning - if you are one of those people who only reads blogs that are positive, filled with sunny statements and observations, this may not be a post for you. If you prefer not to hear others talk about dark times in their lives, moments when they truly know what it means to "walk through the valley of the shadow of death" then you might just want to leave now.

Last weekend was horrid. I could candy coat it and say that it was "less than ideal" but I want to be completely transparent. It was awful!!! On Friday, I found out that I did not get a job that I had interviewed for. No big deal, right? Lots of people interview and don't get the job offer. But this was my dream job. Not only was it working with high school students - yes, I actually ENJOY high school students - it was a choral directors job and my Bachelor's degree was in choral music. On top of that, I would have been working as the assistant director in a program that is led by a friend of mine. He and I work together on the Spring musical at the High School and frankly enjoy working together. Are you beginning to see why this wasn't just another job loss? Wait. There's more.

This past school year, I worked three part time jobs, adding in a fourth job when the high school musical began their auditions in March. Yes, the musical is technically a job since I get paid to do it. Granted, I LOVE doing it but I can call it a "job" when there is a paycheck attached! Of the three part time jobs that occupied the majority of my time, I didn't enjoy two of them. I don't mean they were rough or had bad days. I did not like going to those jobs. Ever. Not once. Get the idea? It's nothing against the employers or the jobs themselves. Both of the jobs in question were working with Elementary age kids and I don't enjoy that age group as much. Junior High on up to college age is my preferred age group so hopefully you can understand why spending focused amounts of time with with large groups of students in grades Kindergarten through sixth is not enjoyable for me. I know that this mindset makes me a villain in the hearts of some. But it's my "divine design" - I just enjoy the teen age/twenty-something set far more.

As for the third part-time job, it was with college students (bonus) working as an adjunct professor. "Adjunt" is a fancy word for "Part-time". Loved the age group. Hated the "adjunct" part of the job description. Ever worked at a job where you experienced a serious divide between the full-time staff and the part-time staff? If you have, then you get an idea of what my year was like. The full-timers were cordial. The adjuncts were appropriately invited to all of the departmental parties and such. But for someone like me who thrives on relationships, there wasn't much of that. Okay, since I'm being honest, there wasn't ANY of that!! Much of the time, I was getting last minute reminders to complete tasks that I had never been told I needed to complete so I'm scrambling to fit things into my semester . . . you get the idea. For an extra little complication, the college classes I teach are in the field of education or helping students with academic issues in the area of writing. (My Master's is not in music). Are you beginning to get a picture of my 2010/2011 school year? Three part-time jobs, none of which brought me any significant sense of accomplishment or satisfaction, and one short-term part-time job doing what I love with the age group I enjoy. Do you understand now why the loss of the dream job was so devastating.

And the weekend got worse before it got better. On Friday night, just hours after finding out I wasn't getting the job, I found out a friend had passed away. She had directed the production of The Wizard of Oz I was in last fall and we became fast friends. Apparently, this past weekend was my weekend to grieve. She was only 49.

I wish I could tell you that hubby was a tremendous source of support and counsel. Nope. Within minutes of finding out I wasn't getting the job - and thus getting rid of the mental strain of trying to take care of all the details involved in three part-time jobs - he wanted to know what I was going to do now. What job options was I willing to consider? What was my plan of attack for the next school year? In other words, I got the distinct message that I was to get over my sense of loss, and move on. We ended up spending most of the weekend angry with one another because he thought I was wallowing and I thought he was being insensitive. Add more emotional strain to my weekend.

As I sit here and type this, it's Tuesday. I've gotten NUMEROUS platitudes thrown at me, all the standard verses quoted at me, and numerous reminders to "just have faith." It's all true. Every single over-used phrase people have said to me is accurate. And I want to punch the next person that begins to quote Jeremiah 29:11 or Romans 8:28. I know those verses. I can quote them myself. And I know they are true. But right now they have a rather negative effect on me. I told someone that it's like going up to a person who is at a funeral for a beloved family member or friend and saying "It's time to slap on a smile and be excited about what God is going to do know that he's taken your loved one away." No one that I know would EVER be that insensitive. But since I lost a job, people feel quite comfortable telling me to just "get over it."

I've received some very trite, platitude filled counsel. Quite a lot of it, actually. But there have been a few of gems. My sisters have been AMAZING through this. One of them shared with me something God laid on her heart while she was having a time of prayer for me and my situation. Her words didn't give me answers or any clue of where to go next, but there was a glimmer of new perspective in what she said. My other sister has simply been there and agreed with me that it sucks! My dad has offered a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear should I need it and it's come with none of the standard, over-used "church-speak" phrases. And, thankfully, hubby and I have FINALLY gotten to a place where we better understand where the other person was coming from and we're trying to get through this situation together.

What I find fascinating is that no one has tried to talk me out of grieving the loss of my friend. Apparently, it's okay to grieve when your heart breaks over the loss of a person. But when you are frightened and hurt by a job situation that leaves you emotionally and mentally destroyed at the end of the week, that's not okay. Not all heartbreak is, apparently, spiritually acceptable to some of my brothers and sisters in the faith. Expressions of discouragement were met, not with compassion or empathy, but Bible verses and pithy sayings.

I wish I could end this post with some great story about how God has already miraculously dealt with my work situation (NOT looking forward to the life-sucking possibility of another year like this one) but that's not the case. I'm still wondering where to go from here, still hurting, still facing the reality of a memorial service for my friend tomorrow - not much has changed. Like I said earlier, my sister's words to me provided a glimpse of a new perspective and that's where I'm concentrating all of my mental and emotional energy for now. Hoping that the fog lifts soon and I get some sense of where to go from here.

2011-04-18T09:35:00.003-05:00

Controlling the tongue!

Scripture is full of comments about our speech - what we should not say, what we should say, being ready to give an answer, controlling our tongue - I could spend hours simply quoting the verses that apply. But I'd rather share a life lesson.

I have learned that someone very dear to me really thrives on praise. If you are familiar at all with The Five Love Languages writings, this person shows possible signs of Words of Affirmation being one of his "native tongues". It's not his primary language, but it could very likely be a secondary language. The person in question is my hubby!

I learned this truth in a very simple way: I paid him a compliment in a public fashion. There was something I appreciated about him and I expressed that appreciation in such a way that others knew how I felt. Boy did I strike a chord!! I like to get an "attagirl" every so often. But my man positively glowed after my statement! He repeatedly told me how much it meant to him that I said what I did. And by repeatedly I mean half a dozen times in the course of about three hours.

Now the hard part: I need to keep looking for ways to offer GENUINE praise. Empty flattery is one of those things spoken against in scripture and I would NEVER knowingly hurt my husband by offering empty, meaningless, words as a substitute for sincere appreciation. But when I can make him feel overwhelmingly respected and loved by offering genuine appreciation and praise, why would I miss any opportunity to do so?!

2011-04-08T21:51:00.006-05:00

A Gift of Trust

There are times when a lesson I've learned is difficult to express in words. Some - most? - of the intensity of the experience gets lost in translation from my head to the page. No matter how I try, no catchy phrase or carefully chosen adjective fully describes just how drastically my paradigm has shifted, how severely my perspective has altered.

Instinct tells me I may be embarking on one such experience but here I go anyway!!

I've made a concentrated effort lately to express respect to my husband. I don't mean merely focusing on feeling respectful. I've tried to find opportunities to tell what I respect about him in very specific detail. Since feeling respected doesn't push my buttons like it does his, I've had to be very deliberate and proactive in this self-imposed exercise.

This change in my behavior had the surprising effect of bringing about an altered perspective like I mentioned before. I went into it trying to fulfill the Biblical directive found in Ephesians 5:33 - "and the wife must respect her husband." I figure God made my husband so he probably knows what hubby needs most from me. Right? So I made a simple choice to be obedient and didn't even suspect how it would change me!

Like a significant majority of men, my hubby finds his sense of purpose and significance in his job. I, on the other hand, am a fairly typical female in that I find my joy and purpose in building relationships. Please note - I am NOT saying that one is better than the other. Neither approach is wrong, but the two different views of life can create misunderstanding at times. Oh, let's be honest - a marriage between someone who is energized by their work and someone who is energized by relationships has all the ingredients for good old-fashioned conflict! The work oriented person - who happens to LOVE his or her job - just doesn't understand the relationship oriented person who comes home from work fatigued. The relationship junky, on the other hand, cannot understand why anyone, including their more careere minded spouse, would want to leave a social gathering early! You get the idea.

In my effort to express respect for my husband on a consistent basis, I began to better understand how his job energized him and began to really appreciate the joy he finds in it. And I absolutely LOVE those moments when he's really jazzed by what is happening in his ministry as a Senior Pastor. It's one of the major benefits to being a Pastor's wife: you not only know what your husband does for a living and have a chance to build relationships with the people he "works" with, you actually get to watch him shine in his element on a regular basis!! I love it!!

The other night, I was mulling over my new perspective and deeper understanding. I've come to appreciate the deep, abiding passion my husband has for leading our church "family". I've stood by his side more than a little proudly when people thank him for a timely word or visit or when they tell him how much they enjoy his preaching. (All the while thinking things like "That's MY man!!") But I was stunned when I thought about his passion for his job and his commitment to excellence in light of a task he has entrusted me with.

Our church is sponsoring a Youth theater this summer - Take 2 Summer Youth theater - as a part of our desire to impact our community. This venture was birthed out of something called a Missional Church Learning Experience that a team from our church took part in. Without going into too much detail, we learned about the importance of chatting with our community to see what they saw as needs in the community and then seeking to meet those needs. Hubby's hope (and the hope of the team as well) is that this will be the first of many such ventures; that the people in our church can start to use their God-given S.H.A.P.E. to reach out in creative, practical ways to those around us.

Hubby asked me to take on the role of "Managing Director" for Take 2. I accepted the job and didn't think much of the fact that he pretty much handed over responsibility for getting the ball rolling regarding planning/promoting auditions as well as getting the contracts for royalties and rental and has trusted me to take care of the details and report back to him. Or should I say I didn't give it much thought until just recently. Now that I understand a little better how passionate he is about ministry - ESPECIALLY the missional approach to ministry - I realize what a gift he handed me!!

With this being our church's first encounter with a missional approach, I know it's important to him that it be a positive experience all the way around so that others in our congregation will be encouraged to step out into the community with their gifts and passions. Hubby is a great manager and it would be so easy for him to keep "checking in" on me to make sure I'm taking care of my responsibilities. But he hasn't. Not even once. When I bring up anything regarding royalties, auditions, costumes, sets, etc. he is more than willing to chat with me. But that's it. He has, in the very truest definition of the word, ENTRUSTED this task to me. Don't get me wrong - we have people in place to handle PR, set-building, etc. But he has, without hesitation or any outward sign of anxiety, placed the role of "Managing Director" in my hands and stepped away to let me do the job.

I am honored and humbled by that level of trust from my husband. He knows my passion for the performing arts and the joy I find working with teens. He knew before he asked me to take the job that I would say yes!! But the unquestioning trust he has displayed in my abilities since that moment has left me humbly grateful for the gift of such an amazing husband.

2011-03-25T19:06:00.002-05:00

Contest!

Check out this link for a fantastic contest from Tyndale House!!

http://www.tyndale.com/blog/?p=1042

2011-02-11T11:01:00.003-06:00

When God says "No"

There's a country song that says "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers". As much as I love most of his music, I'm going to have disagree with Mr. Garth Brooks and say that God never leaves a prayer unanswered. I know many people would disagree with me and that's okay. But I base my stand on some scriptural principles I have found.

James 4:3 - When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

I John 3:21 & 22 - Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him.

Just in these two verses, there seems to be a connection to the behavior and motive we bring with us when we pray and whether or not we get what we ask for. That alone is enough to convince me that sometimes God says no. But what about those times when "no" seems cruel? What if we are sure that our motives are right, that we've been obedient and we still get a "no"?

Isaiah 55:8 & 9 says - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

In other words, I don't have God's heavenly perspective. He will always see to it that he is glorified. There are times he says no because he has something greater for us. There may even be times he says "not yet" because when the answer does come it will seem nothing short of miraculous and we will know beyond the shadow of a doubt who is responsible!

So what do we do when God says no? We need to rest in the knowledge that he loves to give us good things, he feels our needs as deeply as we do, and he wants us to be very aware of the ways he moves and acts on our behalf. A "no" from God is not a time to complain or whine that he's being unfair. It's a time to keep moving forward in the direction he has given us and watch for his hand. It is also a time to pray for wisdom so that we are asking according to his will!!

After all, I John 5:14 & 15 states - This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him.

Seems pretty clear to me - asking according to his will always receives a "yes" answer. But there is one last thought. Jesus told a parable about a woman who persistently bugged a judge to get a fair outcome for a situation. I don't get the impression that she whined or complained about her situation. She simply kept calmly and respectfully bringing her case before the judge. The judge kept turning her away until finally he gave in simply because she wouldn't give up.

As a matter of fact, the parable is introduced in Luke 18:1 with the words - Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and never give up.

Does that verse in Luke (and it's accompanying parable) mean to tell us that sometimes God waits to give us a yes simply to see if we are persistent? That's sure what it looks like to me. And he designed so he knows that we don't tend to value those things that we obtain easily.

God moves in perfect time. He is never late, he is never early. We, on the other hand, tend to behave like petulant, whiny, demanding toddlers who want every prayer answered in the affirmative and immediately. God is not at our beck and call like a valet. He isn't a short order cook who must meet our selfish demands. He is Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides, and he will always fulfill the needs of his people according to his will. Even if that sometimes means telling us "no."

2011-02-03T10:15:00.002-06:00

It never fails . . .

I shared in an earlier post that God was stirring someting in me in response to the S.H.A.P.E. I had just completed. Hubby and I had a rather extensive conversation about that stirring and I began to put some specific words to what I was feeling and started dreaming big. Within days of that conversation, my kids were in conflict with one another and I allowed myself to get dragged in. From there, the enemy took over and began to point out all the reasons that God couldn't use me. All of them are things that I have been forgiven for so I do no need to carry the burden of them any longer. But I was only to willing to pick them up again and feel overwhelmed by how unfit I was.

Isn't that just like the enemy?! When he sees us getting ready to move for the kingdom, he throws up every roadblock he can think of and, if possible, he fights dirty. He loves to hit us in all those soft spots that he knows will slow us or stop us. I wish I could tell you that I have completely overcome his attack. The truth is yesterday was pretty good and today has started out pretty well. It's not going to be easy but I am NOT backing down from the direction God is leading regardless of how hard the enemy tries to make me feel unworthy. I know I'm unworthy which makes the fact that my Abba wants to use me all the more amazing!!!

2011-01-30T22:29:00.003-06:00

"And life is worth the living, just because He lives." (From the song "Because He Lives" written by Bill and Gloria Gaither).

After singing this song in church this morning, I was motivated to share some thoughts. I feel like I have known the words to "Because He Lives" forever. As a kid, I didn't understand the fascination that some adults seemed to have with that song. I mean, it was a nice song. Made you feel pretty good. Sounded nice from a musical standpoint. There's a verse about a newborn baby which is sweet. But I just didn't get why some adults got all weepy over the darn thing!

But as I've gotten older, I've become one of those teary-eyed adults. I get it. For anyone who has ever hit a rough patch, the words of the chorus can be a lifeline.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

Because He lives, all fear is gone.

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living

Just because He lives.

(Can you tell which phrases hold meaning for me?!) The song that I used to think of as "nice" has become one that I cannot get through without becoming at least a tiny bit emotional. I can't speak for others, but the emotion, for me, comes from two sources. First of all, there is the thought that his existence gives my life meaning and I need nothing other than that - "And life is worth the living just because he lives."

But the "all fear is gone" is another one that brings tears to my eyes. Those tears are a little less happy because I know that I can sometimes hold on to my fear. I surrender to an enemy that should not have any power over me.

That phrase hit me extra hard this morning. When you have kids, you spend their childhood trying to teach them everything they need to know, the tween years discouraging them from trying to grow up too fast, the teen years just trying to find a way to communicate with them and then you watch them step toward adulthood. I'm living in that last phase. My eldest is 19 and number two child graduates this year. I occasionally suffer from a debilitating fear that I've left something out; that somewhere along the line, I forgot a crucial lesson and that my neglect will drive them to make bad choices. In reality, my kids are going to screw up. Every child does. They are going to make some decisions I don't agree with and some that are downright wrong. Part of my brain knows that I cannot do anything to protect my children from ever making a wrong choice. But there is a part of my brain that shouts the sane part down. That part of my brain lives in fear of my children's mistakes and it's a selfish fear. I wish I could say that I fear for my children, that one of their wrong choices will have lasting consequences. The truth is, I fear that people with think that I'm a bad mom, that I failed to give my children the necessary skills and truths to live better lives. Talk about selfish!!

But the fear is unnecessary!! I don't have to fear because Jesus lives and he loves my children more than I ever possibly could. He will work to draw them deeper into relationship with him and all I can do is be faithful to communicate to them what he calls me to communicate to them. Now if I can just remember that truth and live in it!!!

2011-01-28T22:19:00.003-06:00

Reflections and questions

This post won't be particularly uplifting. I'd apologize, except I believe moments of introspection and reflection can be particularly cathartic and can bring healing if we let them. At least that's what I've heard. =)

Remember the childhood saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me"? What a load of crap! Words sometimes make the best missiles and they leave scars that no one else will ever see. The tough part is, you can get to the point where the pain has lessened and you think have moved on. Then something happens - an event occurs, something is said, a disagreement happens - and those words come screaming back at you out of your memory with all their original pain.

How does one really move on? How do we really remove the power of those "labels" so that they fall away ineffective? That's the tough part. Those names only hurt because we let them. The cutting remarks others make, the labels they try to place on us would have no power over us if we simply refused to own those labels or remarks.

I'm reminded of a Max Lucado book, You Are Special, in which the Wemick's, a "race" of puppets, go around giving the beautiful, talented members of their society gold stars. The less attractive, clumsy, graceless Wemick's get plain gray dots. One day the main character, a rather unremarkable character named Punchinello, meets a girl Wemick named Lucia who has neither gold stars nor grey dots. Truth be told, she's beautiful and graceful so she should be covered in gold stars but she has nothing! The other Wemick's try to give her gold stars but they fall right off. Punchinello asks Lucia why the stars don't stick and she tells him that he needs to talk to Eli to understand. Eli is the creator of the Wemick's and Punchinello, though a little frightened, goes to chat with him. As Punchinello leaves, Eli says, "You are special because I made you and I don't make mistakes." Punchinello thinks to himself, 'I think he really means it' and the illustration shows one small gray dot dropping to the ground. Is it really that simple? We just choose to believe "other" than the labels that people try to saddle us with? I wish I could figure it out!

2011-01-27T22:10:00.002-06:00

Watched the Social Network tonight. Good movie. And I don't mean that in the "I was really entertained and laughed alot" way. The whole movie tests the fields of ethics and choices and it's a very interesting piece to watch.

I don't know how much truth there is to all of the events - after all, movie writers tend to "tweak" certain plot points to make certain people more interesting or create completely fictitious events just because they are good cinema. But at one point tonight I asked myself, if he had it to do all over again, would Mark Zuckerberg change anything about the way he went about creating Facebook?

SPOILER ALERT

The whole movie begins with a rather unpleasant break-up between Mark and his girlfriend, Erica. Mark is excessively socially awkward and his behavior borders on heartless and rude. On top of that, he's obsessing over these exclusive clubs that are present on the Harvard campus and it's very obvious that he desperately wants to be invited to join one. As a result of getting dumped, Mark gets drunk and posts some really horrid comments about Erica on his blog. Then he creates a website that, within the course of two hours, alienates most of the female population at Harvard (where Zuckerberg is a student) and crashes the Harvard server. The site allowed people to compare two Harvard co-eds side by side and choose the prettiest one. He got the pictures by hacking into the resident student photo galleries of the dorms on campus. Again, a big no-no.

Most of the story is told in a series of flashbacks. Mark is being sued by his (former)best friend who helped him co-found Facebook (before a series of events and other influences ran said friend out of the company) and is facing a second suit from three members of an exclusive Harvard club who claim that the idea for Facebook was really theirs since they had asked Zuckerberg to create a sort of dating website that would be exclusive to the Harvard student body. As one of the characters calls it "match.com for Harvard students." It's not really much of a surprise when his lawyers advise him to settle. And what is Mark doing when he finds out that settling is in his best interest? He is on Facebook where he proceeds to send a friend request to Erica. Remember her? The ex-girlfriend from the opening scene? As the ends of the various threads of the story are shown on the screen, we find that he did indeed settle in both lawsuits and that he is the youngest billionaire in the world. What is Zuckerberg doing the whole time these details are flashing on the screen? He's refreshing the computer, waiting to see if Erica accepts his friend request.

At the end of the movie, he has lost his best friend and completely alienated his ex-girlfriend and really has no one that he seems particularly close to. He's trying to make amends to Erica although it seems that the attempt will be fruitless. He's worth billions and he doesn't seem to care. And there's a part of me that wonders if Facebook came about simply because one ridiculously gifted, socially awkward college student just wanted a place where he could belong without others deciding whether or not to let him through the door! 500 million Facebook members later, I hope he finally feels like he belongs.

Strong Enough- Matthew West

2011-01-25T22:46:00.000-06:00

2011-01-25T12:53:00.002-06:00

I've been watching a very interesting chain of events unfold in my home. I'm not sure exactly what it means just yet but I'm having a great time watching it all happen.

It began the week between Christmas 2010 and New Year's 2011. I made the statement that I really felt called to start working on Christmas gifts for the 2011 season. Actually, my statement was something along the lines of, "I feel challenged to see if I can do a 'Mostly Home-made Christmas' in 2011." None of my family reacted which was fine because I felt clearly that I was called to do this and not impose my plans on anyone else. I finished up a cross-stitch project, found a couple that were finished but not yet framed that were perfect for particular people, and then went out to buy supplies for plastic canvas projects. Actually, it was just one project but I was making multiples. My oldest daughter and I were watching a movie together (or it might have been a TV show in DVD) and she asked if I would teach her how to do what I was doing. I showed her and she took off! As a matter of fact, she has completely taken over one particular piece of the project! Since then, my other kids have asked me to teach them how to do it as well. From there, they've all started planning their own "Mostly Homemade" projects for Christmas gifts. And the phrase "Mostly Homemade Christmas" is being used like it's a formal event!

Not sure how this will play out but it's fun!

2011-01-22T11:33:00.003-06:00

Just finished an elective Sunday School class taught by none other than my husband (who I have mentioned before is a Pastor). We worked our way through the book entitled S.H.A.P.E. - Finding and Fulfilling Your Unique PURPOSE for LIFE by Erik Rees. (I included the link to the website for the book if you want to check it out for yourself.) This book comes out of the same ministry that birthed titles like "Purpose Driven Life" and "Purpose Driven Church". The book was written to be very interactive and they created an entire Sunday School curriculum to go with it - workbooks, dvd's, discussion guide and all!

The letters in S.H.A.P.E. stand for -

S - Spiritual Gifts

H - Heart

A - Abilities

P - Personality

E - Experiences

It's the writer's belief (and one I happen to share!) that these things meld together to create the unique design that God wants to use in ministry. Now that I have finished the class, God is starting to clarify some new/renewed ministry direction for me. And it's scary!

When you have gotten a better understanding of your shape, you need to answer the question "What now?" Well, you might not feel the need to but I certainly did! The answers I'm getting to that question are a little . . . frightening? . . . unnerving? Not sure what the right word is. I hate disappointing people and the new direction might mean ending some commitments which might disappoint people and . . . you get the idea.

I believe it also means that I am going to be moving into some new ministries or rekindling some passions that I neglected and let fade. And that's terrifying! I sit and think "What if my ministry attempt fails?" And that question shows the flaw in my thinking! If I'm moving in the direction that God is leading, it's not MY ministry - it's his!! If I am prayfully seeking his direction in putting my God-given shape to use, the "success" or "failure" (by whatever standards) matters little. As God and I were discussing this, he actually brought this blog to mind. I keep plugging away at blog posts, clueless as to whether or not anyone is reading. But he hasn't called me to draw in hundreds or thousands of blog readers. He's called me to be faithful and obedient. He's called me to share thoughts and impressions on this forum so I do, clueless as to why.

I've been called to obey. I've not been called to research the likely failure or success of a new direction, I'm not called to do what others think I should or to please them, and I'm not called to focus on what would be easiest or most popular. I'm simply to called to act when he moves me to act. As I grasp this concept more fully and commit wholeheartedly to complete obedience, I'm confident that this new/renewed direction will become crystal clear! Still a little nervous but also kind of excited!!!

2011-01-17T15:05:00.002-06:00

My inconsistency at maintaining this blog is one of the many things I am seeking to change this year. No, it's not a New Year's Resolution. It's something I'm seeking to take "One Day at a Time".

The challenge for me is to find a "theme" or something to focus on so that the blogs don't ramble! Two ideas keep chasing each other in my mind. Can't really decide which one to focus on so I'm going to mention them both here. Again, this blog may not be read by many (or any) but I simply feel like the Holy Spirit is telling me to post it and let him worry about the why! But if any do read it and have an opinion, please share it!!

Idea number one - reasons to celebrate! We live in such a negative society or at least it seems that way. And I can fall into that critical, "everything sucks" way to easily. 2011 is only a few days old but God has consistently brought things to mind that were cause for celebration. True, the celebrations were small and some of them simply happened in a private moment but I've been pointed in the direction of focusing on those things that are "celebration-worthy".

Idea number two - I've been chipping away at a study on the concept of prayer for awhile now. I'm not using anyone else's work - no reading books or persuing commentaries. I'm simply going through scripture and writing down every verse that mentions any version of the word pray. I'm then going to go back over those verses look at the historical content, the original audience, etc. and try to glean applicable truth.

So. If you are reading the post and have a strong opinion, please share. Not able to make up my own mind on this one for some reason!!

2010-12-15T09:41:00.002-06:00

How do people without faith get through the painful times? I'm not talking about a rough day at work or a squabble with a family member. I mean those moments of anguish when the loss feels as though it is more than one can bear.

As I type this, Christmas day is ten days away. In the last two days, I have received news that a friend is dealing with the fact that her husband has announced his desire for a divorce and another friend lost her husband yesterday after a long, difficult battle with cancer. Both of them have their faith to fall back on. That doesn't make it easy for them. It simply means that they can fall into the arms of their Savior and let him bear the burden of the overwhelming grief that I'm sure they are battling.

I've spent quite a bit of time in prayer for both of these dear women and it's made me want to hold my own precious husband just a bit tighter. But it's had another interesting effect on me - I don't want anyone that I care about to EVER face tragedies like divorce or the death of a beloved spouse without a Savior. I am more aware of the need to share the hope of Jesus with those around me so that, when the storms of life come (and they WILL come) they can know they have an anchor that will not allow grief to sweep them away. But I fear I lack courage at times. I have never done well with the door-to-door mode of evangelism and I can get very tounge-tied when it comes to sharing what I believe with friends. So I'm praying for courage and the ability to share with those I care about so that they can know hope no matter the circumstance they find themselves in. After all, can I really live with myself if someone faces a tragedy without hope all the while knowing that I could have introduced them to the source of that hope?

2010-12-13T20:42:00.002-06:00

The toughest thing about dealing with the enemy is he knows our weak spots; those places where it's easiest for him to do some damage and distract us. And boy did he hit a sore spot today! He got in there and messed with my thoughts in an area where he knows that I can easily be moved to self-doubt and self-loathing. With the holiday season in full-swing (and lots of demands on my time and energy) it was a quick trip from chastising myself for a plethora of mistakes to a pretty serious emotional funk.

But my God knows just how and when to step in! As I went to pick hubby up from his office, I spent some time in silent prayer. What's sad is I might have avoided the whole miserable feeling if I had dealt with the "stinkin' thinkin'" earlier in the day by praying! I'm a little slow! Anyway, when I picked hubby up, he noticed right away that something was "off". Without intending to, I spilled the whole mess in his lap. I had not planned to say anything because I seriously believed it would cause a complete meltdown if I admitted what I was feeling to anyone. I got home to find my house filled with the sounds of laughter. Not to sound overly dramatic, but it was just the balm my beaten-up spirit and emotions needed. With four teenagers in my house - three of them girls - it's not hard for them to find reasons to fuss at one another and there had been some minor level fussing before I left to get hubby. Arriving home and hearing them laugh with and enjoy one another could only be my Abba's timing. Then hubby announced that he was taking the family to McDonald's. No, it's not a fine dining establishment but it meant that my weary body and mind did not have to worry about making dinner OR dealing with the mess it would create in my kitchen. The burden lifted a little more and I quietly excused myself to the bathroom where I lost it. Tears of relief and joy ran down my face. In the laughter of my children and the spontaneous gesture of my husband my Heavenly Daddy reminded me that he loves me. Scriptures ran through my brain, reminding just how much he cares for me. The enemy had spent the day pointing out all the ways I had failed as a woman, a wife, and a mother. My Abba undid all of that in two simple gestures that reminded me that my kids are still a work in progress (so are hubby and I for that matter!) and that he cares about even the little details in my life.

The lesson I need to take away from this is so simple that I'm a little ashamed I haven't learned it already - the next time the enemy comes at me with a list of my failures, I'll run to my Daddy right away and not wait so long!

2010-11-20T23:43:00.003-06:00

I'm a little ashamed of myself. On November 1st, I saw that a friend from my college years had started something she called 30 Days of Thankfulness. It's apparently something she's done for years and she decided to share it via Facebook this year. I decided to do the same thing. I even made it extra tough on myself by grouping my siblings, my parents, etc. I mean, I could have killed more than half of the 30 days if I had simply taken each sibling/in-law/parent/child/niece/nephew and given them each their own day! But I wanted to challenge myself. During the course of the month, I've been sick and stressed and I'm ashamed at how long it has taken me on some days to come up with something for which I was thankful. It really knocked me off the high horse I like to climb onto annually. From that lofty perch, I complain rather readily about how many people skip over Thanksgiving like it doesn't matter. I preach against being thankful only one day a year when we should be grateful each day. Yet I'm fighting to find 30 things to be thankful for! This is not good!

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2010-11-19T20:23:00.001-06:00

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2010-09-20T13:20:00.009-05:00

As adults, we like to think that we know more than the kids in our lives. When one becomes a parent, one quickly learns that God sometimes uses those precious gifts to teach us a thing or two!

My most recent "lesson-from-the-younger-set" came from two young ladies I've never met. My baby sister lives in San Antonio, Texas, and babysits two young girls each day while her oldest, my nephew, is at school. In other words, my sister is home each school day with three VERY GIRLY preschool/toddler aged girls! Being a "girly-girl" herself, my sister loves it. One of her young charges decided early on that all the girls were princesses and my sister was the queen - smart girl!

Got a phone call from my sister recently and she started with, "I knew you'd appreciate this." I settled in for a good story because that statement from my baby sister always means I'm about to giggle at the least or maybe get in a good belly laugh! She began - The kids were playing outside and the girls were playing princesses - of course! My nephew decided that he was only one prince and wasn't all that interested in dancing with any princesses so he was going to slay the dragon! The oldest of the young ladies got very perturbed with all of his "hi-ya"ing. She popped her hip out like we women can do, put her little fist on her waist, and told my nephew, "There's no fighting in princesses." He gave her a look and went back to his slaying. She told him again, "There's no fighting in princesses!" By this time I've got a visual of a little beauty in dress up clothes, looking ticked, scolding my nephew and I'm laughing hard!

The queen" - aka my baby sister - went on to tell me that she stepped in and explained that the prince needed to slay the dragon so it was safe to have the ball. This young lady was rather put out with his timing and still didn't think he needed to be fighting just then. In the midst of my laughter, I was struck with this thought - how often does my "Prince" go out to "slay the dragon" for me, only to get harped on by me because his timing wasn't ideal? We want our husband's to earn an income, keep the car running, take care of the mowing and shoveling, kill the bugs, unstop the toilets, take out the trash . . . whatever. Let's be honest, we all have jobs that we expect our Prince to handle for us!

What does our Prince Charming find when he comes home? His dragon may be long hours because the boss demands them. Or maybe it's inconvenient hours. (This would be the challenge in our home where hubby - a pastor - is never really "off the clock".) Maybe he has a nasty commute or there were computer problems and he wasn't able to get everything done that day. Whatever his "dragon", he went out there to contend with it for his "lady fair". He wants to know that we believe he can "slay" and "conquer" whatever is in front of him. Then he comes home. Does he find a loving "Princess" - or "Queen" if you prefer - who is grateful for the day he just put in? Or does he find someone looking and acting more like an ogre?!

Before any of the more "feminist" readers cry foul, let me assure you of a couple of things. I work outside the home and have crazy days as well. But my husband finds his sense of personal significance in doing well in his career, whereas it's just a job to me! When I attack him for that effort, I'm basically telling him that he needed to "slay the dragon" in a way that was more convenient for me.

I wish I could say that this is a lesson I learned years ago and I never blow it. Sadly, it's one I'm still learning. But I have committed - again - to making sure that hubby comes to a loving "lady fair" when he has slain each day's dragon!

2010-09-07T15:19:00.002-05:00

You know a sermon is good when you keep mulling it over for more than a week!

Hubby's sermon a couple of Sunday's ago was focused on Gideon. Not the whole story of what he did, or how God used him; his sermon focused more on the intial contact - when God first called Gideon to act. Picture it - Gideon is hiding in a winepress to thresh his wheat. The winepress was either constructed with walls high enough to hide Gideon or was actually dug into the ground deeply enough for him not to be seen. How do I know this? Well, scripture says he was hiding. The Midianites were known for destroying or take the crops of the Jews. Gideon wanted to keep the grain he was threshing so he put himself in a place of hiding. Being so contained while threshing probably meant that Gideon was breathing in all the chaff and dealing with the irritation it almost certainly caused his eyes. Got the picture? Farmer scared so badly he's causing himself discomfort to keep the enemy from messing with him and his crops.

Enter, the Angel of the Lord who says, "Hail, Mighty Man of Valor" (in the King James anyway). Excuse me? Mr. Scaredy cat? A man of valour?! In the NIV, this is translated as "The Lord is with you, Mighty Warrior." Again - are you kidding me?! None of us, if we had a chance to see Gideon in those circumstances, would have called him anything close to brave or warrior-like! But God didn't call Gideon that because of what Gideon was doing at that point in time. God knew Gideon COULD BE a Mighty Warrior. God chose to speak his plan for Gideon into Gideon's life.

So what about you? What identity have you been given that you'd rather get rid of? What "names" weigh you down? I know I've come up with a few that hurt me more than a little and, quite frankly, I'd like to be rid of them! So I'm choosing to seek God and his "name" for me. I'm spending time in his word and in prayer to see what he calls me so I can move forward in that new direction. Time to get the heck out of the winepress!

2010-08-24T22:18:00.004-05:00

Sometimes, my children do things I don't like. Shocked? You shouldn't be. Yes, I'm a Pastor's wife, yes they are Pastor's kids. But they do occasionally screw up. Unfortunately, this time, the thing I didn't like was something that was convicting for me. While texting with one of my daughters, she caught on that I was a little frustrated. She surmised, rightly so, that the frustration had to do with a communication glitch between hubby and I. She proceeded to tell me that I might get further with him in expressing my feelings and needs if I didn't sound like I was complaining. Truth be told, that seems to be my default tone of voice when I'm frustrated. I apologized for getting her caught, however accidentally, in my frustration and ended the conversation.

But the Holy Spirit wouldn't leave it alone. I kept mulling over the concept of "complaining" all last night, all morning and into the afternoon today. And I didn't like it where the Holy Spirit took me. Or what it felt like to face the truth about myself. It's rough to have one of your children lead you to the place where you have to confront things about yourself that need to be fixed! Here's the epiphany I had (simple as it is!) - there is nothing wrong with expressing my needs and feelings as long as I do it with a loving, peacemaking attitude!! Ouch!! Wish I could say I found a magic pill to fix the problem. Truth is, I'll be seeking some scripture to memorize and meditate on to deal with this.

In spite of the fact that this was a slightly uncomfortable situation, there is a part of me that is thrilled that my daughter was strong enough to speak to me when I needed a loving slap upside the head. She managed to do it without being harsh and I honestly did not feel personally attacked by her statement. A little hurt, yes. But mostly guilty! I thanked her for having the courage to speak up and let her know that the Holy Spirit took her words and dealt with me pretty intensely today. Her response was, as I expected, understated. But it does my heart good to know that she's learning the importance of attitude and tone of voice. Even if she did learn part of the lesson through my mistake!!

2010-08-19T13:26:00.004-05:00

Do you ever find yourself struggling to know what to say to someone who is going through a dark time? I'm living that right now. A woman I have gotten to know through various performing arts groups has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. They caught the cancerous lump early - Praise God! - but there is a chance some lymph nodes are affected and the cells surrounding the cancerous tissue shows signs that lead doctors to believe that she may get cancer again when she beats this (and she's convinced she's going to beat it!). I'm currently doing a theater production with her (providing her health holds up!) and her son and daughter. So what do I say to a family that has been hit by this whirlwind?

I know one thing I will not say. I will not quote Romans 8:28 to any of them! Before you brand me a kook, hear me out. When I was 18, I found out my dad was a drug addict. Still. I thought he had taken care of that when I was younger. His "drugs of choice" were painkillers. The easiest way for him to get his fix was cough syrup with codeine. Long story short, there are limits as to how much of that stuff you can by in a 48 hour time period and pharmacies track those purchases. Dad went back to one pharmacy too soon and got busted. At 18, engaged, getting ready to start my second year of college, it felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under my feet. I went to college - a Christian Liberal Arts institution by the way - and my life continued to get shaken up. Some "friends" just stopped talking to me after telling me that my dad could have just stopped if his faith had been more sincere. Some people who I thought were mere acquaintances became deep, abiding friends as they hurt with me and for me. Others, with the very best of intentions, drove me crazy quoting Romans 8:28: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to his purpose.

Do I believe that verse is true? Absolutely!! Do I think it's appropriate to share it with those who are hurting? Depends. Truthfully, I would avoid it for quite some time.

First of all, I think we misapply this verse when we say that scripture is talking about one specific person's specific pain (I may COMPLETELY misguided in my opinion but hear me out!). The verse refers to "them that love God" not "the one who loves God." Is it possible that this verse is talking about the overall scheme of things? That everything that happens to the body will serve to draw people to faith and bring God glory?

Secondly, let's say you share that verse with a friend whose mother is gravely ill. Let's say the friend's mother succumbs to her illness and dies. Are you trying to tell your friend that he/she should see this as a good thing? Or is it possible that information was gleaned during her treatment that will allow for better treatment and maybe even a cure someday? Maybe someone watched this family struggle and has grown in their faith because of how this family handled their suffering. It doesn't make the loss of her mother "good" but it does allow the family to find some comfort in the good that came out of such a dark time.

I believe that too many Christians - very well-meaning, I'm sure - throw this verse out as a "spiritual" way of saying "Everything's going to be okay." There is no happily-ever-after in this life. If there was, why would we ever want anything more! Bad things will happen to those who follow Jesus. Godly women will miscarry. Loving, praying mothers will watch their sick children die. Men of God will watch their wives abandon the home in search of "fulfillment".

I believe that Romans 8:28 is meant to be a reminder of a statement made in the very first sentence of a book that has become well-known in Christian circles: It is not about you. We may never know why we suffer certain things in this life time and God does not owe us an answer for any of it. The truth of Romans 8:28 does not change even if we feel like what's happening to us is not good at all! God will do good things in and through the church and he will do it even when we suffer. We cannot see how our little piece of history fits in the scheme of eternity and it's arrogance to even attempt to do so.

I'm reminded of a poem my mother loves, entitled "The Weaver." I apologize to the author for not including his/her name as I was unable to find it:

My life is but a weaving

Between my Lord and me;

I cannot chose the colors

He worketh steadily.

Oftimes He weaves with sorrow,

And I, in foolish pride,

Forget He sees the upper,

And I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly,

Shall God unroll the canvas

And explain the reasons why

The dark threads are as needful

In the Weaver's skillful hand,

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern he has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares,

Nothing this truth can dim.

He gives His very best to those

Who leave the choice with Him.

So what do you say when you don't know what to say? How about being truthful? Tell the person that you don't know what to say but that you are there for whatever they need - a shoulder to cry on, a hot meal, a time of prayer . . . whatever. A hurting friend doesn't need pat answers or well-worn cliches. They simply need a friend.

2010-08-18T09:28:00.003-05:00

I've had a fascinating experience in the last few weeks. Nothing profound, really. Just something that proves some things I've read to be very true. In an earlier post, I mentioned the CHAIRS acrostic. I've been living the reality of just how much men LOVE that relational thing -the shoulder-to-shoulder bonding time.

Just before we went on our vacation earlier this summer, I asked hubby if he would be willing to show me some exercises I could do using his weights. Mind you, I was looking for some simple tips that I could then put into practice on my own - since my track record for exercising alone is soo stellar (hope you caught that sarcasm)! He took my simple request and put together a three-day-a-week workout routine for the two of us to do together. Mind you, the weight bench he has is set up to be used if you don't have a spotter. It has all sorts of safety mechanisms in place that allow you to work out alone if you so choose. Hubby wouldn't have it! When we got back from vacation, we got to work.

To me the workout nights are a means to an end. Believe me, I don't enjoy the sweating and achy muscles that go along with it! If you want to know for sure if your husband loves you for who you are or for what you look like, work out with him. If he can still find you attractive after a work out, it's the real thing. My husband, on the other hand, is postively energized by the fact that we work out together. He's never let us miss a night - and believe me, there have been a couple of times that I would have blown off the exercise if it wasn't for him telling me it was time to work out! - and he confided to me the other day that he can't think of anyone he'd rather work out with than me.

Mind you, I'm not athletic. I was a performing arts geek in high school - band, choir, drama - and he was a year-round athlete. I bring no competitive or athletic skill to our workout time. The weights I lift are laughably small compared to what he's able to do. So why does he enjoy our time together so much? The answer, provided by him, is simple. He's doing it with me. We're sharing time together doing something that is much more his "thing" than mine and it thrills him. The workouts never take terribly long. And, as I said, I'm sticking in there because there I've seen some glimpses of an improved physique. But I do love the fact that something as simple as working out with the man makes my husband feel great!

He drove this point home in another way just this past weekend. He's playing on a softball team that is participating in two concurrent softball leagues. They had a double header this weekend with the co-ed league they are in. Hubby must have asked me five or six times if I was going to his games. I finally asked him why it was such a big deal if I was there or not. He'd be in the dugout, I'd be on the bleachers . . . I didn't get it. His answer was a little surprising - "I'll know you're there and it will mean a lot to me. Besides (insert boyish grin) - I kind of like showing off for my girl." (Did I mention he's a really GOOD softball player? Might have something to do with the fact that he played baseball in college!) Can you guess where I was Sunday afternoon and evening? That's right - sitting in the bleachers, cheering on my hubby! Were there things I could have done with that time that I might have enjoyed more? Probably. Would it have been a more efficient use of my time to stay home and do laundry or scrubbing my kitchen counters? Some might say so. But it was worth it to me to sit on those bleachers watching him play a game he really enjoys just because I knew it would let him know that he matters to me more than any other human being.

Loving others - truly meeting their needs - is never easy and rarely convenient. Will you look for opportunities to meet the needs of those around you in a way that means something to them rather than meeting their needs in a way that would mean something to you?

2010-07-19T09:29:00.004-05:00

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1

I've heard it said a number of times that when you see the word "therefore" in the scriptures, you need to look at the verses prior to that word to see what the "therefore" is there for. Hebrews chapter 12 follows what many call the "Hall of Faith" or "Faith Hall of Fame". Men and women like Abraham, Sarah, and Moses are mentioned along with the faith they displayed. Then they are called out witnesses. Powerful statement. In other words, with the Spiritual heritage and legacy they have provided, let's get moving!

In my college days, I fell in love with a song by Steve Green entitled "Find us Faithful", the lyrics of which beautifully captured the truth of this Hebrews passage:

Surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses

Let us run the race not only for the prize.

But as those who've gone before us,

Let us leave to those behind us

The heritage of faithfulness passed on through Godly lives.

Oh, may all who come behind us find us faithful

May the fire of our devotion light their way

May the footprints that we leave lead them to believe

And the lives we live inspire them to obey.

Oh, may all who come behind us find us faithful.

To a student at a Christian college, constantly challenged to shake up the world for Jesus, this song was heady stuff! But there was one very important secret no one shared with me. I've learned it over the years as I've said my good-byes, far to many good-byes in my humble opinion, to those who have indeed left a legacy of faithfulness in my life.

The truth of this song hit me again this past week as I found out that one of the full-time staff members from Camp Barakel had slipped into the arms of her Savior after a 10 year battle with cancer. Barakel was a part of every summer for me. I attended there as a child, volunteered there one week in early high school, and went on to spend three summers there as a member of the part-time staff. Mama Liz Wideman was a cook. She had hugs to share with all who needed them (as many as you needed), the patience to work with a new batch of volunteers in her kitchen every week for 9 or 10 weeks, and a smile that was never far from her face. Plus she could make a pretty tasty sticky bun! She didn't speak to millions at a conference, she didn't publish best-sellers, she didn't meet with dignitaries. For nearly three months in the summer, she became surrogate mom to the college and high school students who volunteered their summer months to Camp Barakel. The impact she left on those lives is far reaching. And she did it in a kitchen.

As I've reflected on her passing this week, I've been moved to sort of "review" my own personal "hall of faith". I've thought about those who are no longer present on this earth who make up my own personal cloud of witnesses. It's one of the tough parts of growing up - the adults who mattered to you as a child and a teenager tend to leave this life before you're quite done enjoying them!

There's Ethel Schultz. She and I shared a birthday and she told me that meant that God intended for us to be special friends. Mind you, I was in third grade when she told me this and Ethel was of an age to be considered elderly at that point. She passed away when I still fairly young, bed-bound and able to do nothing but lie there and pray. But boy did she pray! And I know mine was one of the names that she carried before the Lord each day. Believe me, that impacts a young life!

Dick and Karen Fether. They were members of the first church my dad pastored. Dick was a farmer with a penchant for deer hunting and he was, for quite some time, our landlord. Karen could can just about anything and was pretty skilled in the kitchen. Whether it was venison dropped off at our house or an invitation to hang out in their pool, they were steady friends. Always ready with conversation, a helping hand, or a smile. They helped in the church with whatever they could and were dear friends to my family. We left that church when I was a sophomore and I eventually lost track of them. But their quiet, "everyday" faith left an impression on me.

My husband's mentor in ministry, Dr. Frederick Moore. He was the perfect person to come along side an eager young husband and father who was stepping into his first ministry leadership position. Pastor Fred suffered from rare genetic disorder that left him with hearing loss, severe vision issues, and chronic pain 24 hours a day for which there was no relief. Yet he constantly wanted to know how you were doing and I never heard him complain. His impact on my husband's life was such that my son bears the middle name of Frederick in his honor. To this day, I see glimpses of his influence in how my husband preaches and ministers.

Denelle Vischer and Jo Oechsle. These ladies were adopted grandmas to anyone in our small town church that needed one. And praying? These ladies did it with a steadiness that I wish I possessed! You could always count on a welcome smile from either one of them and I benefitted more than once from the stash of cookies in Jo's kitchen! They didn't cure diseases or travel to exotic locations as missionaries. They simply shared love in very practical ways and made the teens in our church feel like we mattered.

"Grandpa" Oechsle. He wouldn't give me a bulletin on Sunday mornings until he had gotten a hug. He used to call me "Little Alma" because he said I looked like my great-grandmother, a woman I had never had the chance to know. I'll never forget the day he met my oldest daughter who was just a few weeks old at the time. He put his arm around me, gave me a squeeze, and said, "Alma would be proud." I never doubted for one moment that Grandpa Oechsle was proud of me too.

My grandfather, Dale Redfield. A famer who never went to college, my grandfather occupied his time by driving a fuel oil truck, gardening, driving school bus, going to the sporting event and fine arts activities at the local high school, and even serving on the school board for a time. He befriended people of all ages and was well-loved for it.

There are also those who are, I believe, still with us who left a significant mark on my life during those critical teen years when I needed to know that I had a purpose, that I mattered. I was blessed to have a church full of adults who did just that - Hoz and Chris Vischer, Frank and Sandie Johnson, Larry and Thanna Oechsle, Mike and Debbie Vischer, Tim and Debi Gale, Mary Redfield (my grandmother), Bob and Sharon Lambes Harold Vischer . . . I could go on for pages! They aren't internationally well known. In the eyes of the world, they aren't wealthy. But when I look at what's become of my generation from that church, they made a difference. A number of those I grew up with are still faithfully attending church and growing spiritually. We are pastor's wives, music ministers, sunday school teachers . . . we are active in our local body and it's due in part to the people in our past who poured themselves into us spiritually and let us know that we had a purpose and they were excited to see us fulfill it.

The challenge is daunting. So many people have poured into my spiritual growth in a desire to see me do the same with the future generations. My earnest prayer is that I can pass on even just a small piece of what they have placed in me. It's the best way I can think of to honor the legacy they left behind.

2010-06-29T14:00:00.002-05:00

Words are powerful but the way they are delivered is even more powerful. I've frequently prayed the quick prayer of "Lord, keep one arm around my shoulders and your other hand near my mouth!"

In James 3:9 it says, "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness." I'm sure none of us would ever intentionally "curse" those we love. But when our words are laced with hatred, when we snap at those we love, are we not causing our words to have the same effect as a curse? All of the communications seminars in the world will not help us in our day to day lives until we strive to watch the way we use our tongues around those who mean the most to us.

This is an area that I feel constantly challeneged to work on - gaining control of the tongue!! If I can learn to speak lovingly to those whom I live with - which also makes them the ones most likely to catch me at my worst! - then I will have begun to, as James says, "able to keep the whole body in check (James 3:2)".

As you may have guessed, this is seriously relevant to where life is right now. I need to learn to slow down, think twice (or three or four times) before speaking and focus first and foremost on making sure that my words are laced with love and grace.

2010-06-24T00:10:00.003-05:00

Sorry I've been so absent! Summer has brought with it a whole new set of challenges. My eldest is still in classes - her cosmetology school does not take a summer break - and I'm teaching some private voice and piano students which means more running around for mom. Add to that the fact that all three of my girls are working part time jobs this summer and we have only one vehicle to make it all happen, to call the situation a little crazy might be an understatement!

But I have been reminded of a very important thing in the last few days. We are preparing to head to Michigan for our family vacation (as I type this, it is just past midnight on the 24th - we leave at about 3:30 this afternoon!) where we will see both of my sisters and their families as well as my parents. Sadly, the oldest cannot come with us. Technically, she could, but it would add a month on to her schooling since she would have to retake the four week course she is currently in if she misses a week. She's more than a little sad that she can't go and my other three kids have been counting down the days for awhile.

Why does any of that matter? My kids - all of them teenagers - are looking forward to spending time with aunts, uncles, cousins (all of whom are younger) and grandparents. That's not typical for this day and age. When I ask them why they enjoy these get-togethers so much, most of the answers come out in the form of inside jokes. Over the years, we've played lots of games together, laughed alot, cried some, and even argued ocasionally. But somewhere in all of that my kids learned that laughing together helps build a bond. Somewhere in the ups and downs, the cross country moves that make trips like this rare treasures, the adults in my family have communicated to my kids that they matter.

It might be the baking weekend get-togethers around the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday's. This is our very own "rite of passage" for the women of our family. You are not included until the holiday season of your 8th grade year which then makes you a "woman" as far as the family is concerned and earns you the right to be involved in all of the "women only" activities that we are able to put together. It might be the ease of internet communication that has allowed my kids to stay in touch with the older generation via facebook and e-mail. But I'm pretty convinced the answer is simpler than all of that.

My sisters and my parents have given my kids the one thing that matters most - time. They've talked with them, played games with them, read to them, taken walks with them . . . they've spent time getting to know them as individuals. I think kids need to know that they matter to at least one other person besides their parents. And my family has provided that for my kids in spades!

My kids keep confirming this belief in the importance of time with their frequent requests to play a game or watch a movie as a family. To the truly competitive, our game playing can be a little frustrating since our goal is ALWAYS to have fun which usually means the game slows down a bit to allow for the laughter. What inspires the laughter? Any number of things but I'm sure none of them would make any sense to anyone outside of the family. Just say Juan Valdez or the Kentucky Derby around my kids or my extended family and there will be giggles and maybe even a red face or two depending on who's in the room. You wouldn't get it but that's okay. Hopefully your family has those too - things that leave you all in stitches and leave outsiders clueless.

Kids ask for a lot of stuff - ipods, game systems, the latest internet capable cell phone - and the media does a fantastic job convincing them they need all of it. But when my kids talk about the memories they cherish, I don't really ever hear them refering to the time they got the newest/latest/greatest gadget, gizmo, or toy. The favorite memories or best laughs come from the people who have taken the time to show my kids that they matter; that there are those besides mom and dad who genuinely enjoy their company.

So if I'm absent for the next several days, please forgive me. I have three nephews and a niece ranging in age from 3 to 8 and I plan on spending the next week and a half letting them know that "Aunt Moj" is absolutely crazy about them! It's been way to long since I've hung out with them and I need me a fix! I'm off to go read books, tickle some little ones till they can't breath, and cuddle with those that will sit still long enough to humor and old lady. Once the munchkins are in bed, the grown-ups get some play time. Just hope we don't wake the little ones up with all the laughing!

2010-06-07T14:47:00.004-05:00

Thought I would share a challenge I am taking part in over the summer! It's all about being the "helpmeet" that our husbands need. If you are like me, you may have the best of intentions but then life takes over and the stress of the urgent can sometimes wear us out to the point that we allow ourselves to neglect the man that means the most to us! How about you? Are you up for a challenge? Here's the link!

http://womenlivingwell-courtney.blogspot.com/search/label/Marriage%20Challenge

2010-05-28T11:14:00.003-05:00

It's Feminine Friday again! (Hair is still in a towel, thus the headless picture!)Truthfully, it's getting to the point that outfits including more "feminine" attire are becoming the norm for me. I include things like skorts and split skirts since hubby would NEVER wear either! My biggest challenge is the fact that I've had to get rid of a few tops that have just gotten old and worn out over the years. Have plenty of t-shirts but those don't exactly work with most of my skirts! Working on building up the skirts and tops part of my wardrobe. I guess you could say I'm almost to the point where dressing like this is a lifestyle now. I'm committed to anything that helps enhance a behavior that is more appealing to hubby!

2010-05-25T11:05:00.003-05:00

Hubby's sermon this past Sunday was entitled "Going Beyond One Mile" and was taken from Matt 5:38-42: You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

This passage is tough to deal with no matter how you approach it. No one wants to suffer treatment that they feel is unjust. We are all quick to seek or at least desire revenge. Be that as it may, I had an "aha" moment as hubby was preaching.

He focused on the last portion of the text for much of his sermon (which is kind of obvious from the title I guess!). There was a law in the Roman Empire than any citizen of an occupied territory could be made to carry a Roman citizen's burden one mile. Jesus is telling his followers to go farther than the law demands. In one of his illustrations of what "second mile" behavior would look like, he made this statement - I need to be willing to sacrifice "my rights" for Jesus. In other words, stop focusing on me and what "my rights" are and seek to show a behavior that is NOT focused on revenge or even self-preservation.

The more I think about the concept of "my rights", the more I am struck by the fact that an attitude of "looking out for number one" is probably at the core of every relational conflict I have ever experienced. I don't like it when I have to do more work around the house than my family members, I certainly don't like it when hubby gets to go have fun with friends (usually on a golf course) while I stay at home cleaning/doing laundry/being responsible. After all, I have my rights! Wow. If I could just get my focus off of myself and what I feel my rights are, if I could start looking at each dish that is washed, each floor that is swept, as an act of love and service - as a "second mile" response - I might find myself being far less touchy and defensive. And I know my heavenly Father would be pleased with "second mile" behavior that ministers to those he has placed in my home!

If only the lesson were as easy to apply as it is to think about! I have a sneaking suspicion this is going to another one of those things I have to commit to each and every day! A magic pill would be so much easier!

2010-05-21T15:51:00.004-05:00

Welcome to Feminine Friday!

It's confession time - up until this week, Feminine Friday has been relatively easy for me in the couple of months I've been doing it. For the last few months, I taught music two afternoons a week at a Christian school and one of those afternoons just happened to be Friday! This made it much easier to decide to dress up since I needed to look nice for work anyway! But I officially wrapped up my year last night at our Spring program. I got up this morning and decided I've had fun doing the "girly" thing and was doing Feminine Friday again! So here's today's picture (I chopped off the head because I've been running errands on a slightly windy day with occasional sprinkles so the hair has not survived well AT ALL!) Truth be told, I've worn skirts or dresses more often than not in the past few weeks. As I've said in earlier posts, I just behave differently! I guess clothes really do make the woman!

Earlier today, I was thinking back to a conversation I had with a friend during a theater production we were doing together. This man does not attend church and frankly feels no desire to do so. I tell you that only to emphasize the fact that his statement was not coming from a religious/faith-based background. During a discussion about relationships and the troubles they face, he looked and me and said the following -

"Forgive me if this sounds sexist, but the feminist movement has not done you ladies any favors when it comes to relationships." He went on to assure me that he was all for things like equal pay for equal work, etc., and that he believed women were equal to men in intelligence, ability, and the like. When I asked him to explain what he meant, he had this to say: "Feminism encourages you to play down the very thing that we men find so appealing. You lose all of your power when you put aside your femininity. It doesn't make you weak when you are softer or more "girly" - it makes us want to move mountains for you! Why can't women understand that our need to protect you is not an indication of how weak and useless we think you are, but an indication of how valuable you are to us?"

Ironically, after a few decades of trying to beat men down and prove to everyone how worthless and flawed men are, there seems to be a movement back to more "old-fashioned" roles. The book entitled "The Surrendered Wife", which talks about a return to more "traditional" roles in the marital relationship, was NOT written from a faith-based or religious perspective but rather from the point of view that men and women have needs that are unique to their genders and we get along better when we celebrate those differences and work together lovingly rather than trying to deny the differences exist. I've met a number of women both in person and via the internet who are looking at what is happening to the state of marriage in our nation and saying "enough".

I'm going to share with you an acrostic that I found in a book entitled "Love and Respect". This acrostic helps me remember the needs that are most vital to my husband and focuses my attention on meeting those needs. (Warning: I do recommend the book I just mentioned but only if you are SERIOUS about being confronted!)

Here's the acrostic:

C - Conquest (in other words, he wants to "slay dragons" for you!)

H - Hierarchy (to be "first among peers")

A - Authority

I - Insight

R - Relationship (but not in the way we think, ladies!)

S - Sexuality

I won't attempt to go into these in-depth. I wouldn't do the book justice. But if I can focus on protecting these areas in my relationship with my husband and let him know that I see and appreciate his efforts, he feels respected and I have helped build him up.

As much as I may not like it, the purpose of marriage is not to make me happy. I am called to focus on meeting my husband's needs. It's taken far longer to get here than I would have liked. But I'm going to make sure he is taken care of and trust God to see that my needs are met.

2010-05-19T14:55:00.003-05:00

Just off of my kitchen is the master suite. This creates an "L" shape to the back of the house and the builders placed a deck right in the corner of that L. Just to the left of the door that leads onto the deck is a light which I can see from the window above my kitchen sink. Truth be told, that door and light are just around the corner from the kitchen sink so I have a pretty detailed view of the light.

So what's the big deal about a light? Earlier this Spring, a Robin began building a nest right on top of that light. I watched her build it and, since I teach two afternoons at a Christian school that is literally just out my back gate, I have been guilty more than a few times of spooking her from the nest when I would leave the house by the back door. Yesterday, she didn't leave when I went out. She got a little agitated and I think she thought about leaving, but she just ruffled her feathers and settled back into the nest as soon as I was off the deck. As I returned home a few hours later, I looked up at the nest and saw a little head, beak wide open, wobbling just above the edge of the nest! It was all pink, no sign of a feather anywhere, and I was more than a little excited. I jumped on the internet to do a little digging and my best guess is that the babies were born at some point yesterday. Over the course of the last 24 hours, I've had the chance to see them peek their little heads up a time or two and even seen a couple of feedings.

Why my sudden obssession with these birds? I'll be honest - I'm not what you would call a nature lover. I have tent camped and about a week without a bed and a real kitchen is all I can handle! I'm not a pet lover and do not miss having them in my house. But I've been drawn to watch over these dumb birds! When I don't see mama or daddy bird around, I worry that the babies are not going to stay warm enough (although the nest gets quite a bit of sun so they are probably fine!). I almost experience a sense of relief when I see that they are being fed. For some reason, it matters to me that these little guys (or girls) make it.

As I've watched the bird family on my back deck, the Lord has brought to mind Luke 12:24 - "Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable are you than birds!" I come from a long line of worriers and, though I know all that the Scriptures have to say about worrying, I still struggle to keep those whispers of anxiety at bay. But I'm coming to the realization that worrying really exhibits a lack of faith in the goodness of God. I am valuable to him - of course he's going to take care of me! Now I'm not saying that we shouldn't plan and prepare for events. I'm not saying that we should simply let life happen and deal with the fall out. Either of those would make us poor stewards of the resources God has blessed us with. But there is a difference between preparing and losing sleep over factors one cannot control.

As I sit here typing this, I am struck by the fact that something as simple as a bird's nest with new babies - something happening in numerous places all over the world - could strike me as "profound". It's just one more piece of evidence that God really does place lessons in front of us that will resonate most clearly with the way he designed us - yet one more example of how well he takes care of those he values!

2010-05-11T08:07:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had a sermon that stuck with you for days? I mean, no matter how hard you might try, something from the sermon just kept coming back into your mind over and over again? That's been my week. Granted, it's only Tuesday so to say that I'm still mulling over the sermon from two days ago may not seem like a big thing. Bear with me.

Hubby's sermon this past Sunday was a continuation of his current trek through the Sermon on the Mount. In it, he shared the story of a Pastor who was new to town. The Pastor got on a city bus and paid his fare. Once he had taken his seat, he discovered that the bus driver had given him a quarter extra in change. There was the typical depate with self - it's only a quarter, who would ever know? - but the Pastor returned the extra quarter when he got to his stop. The bus driver said, "You're the new Pastor in town aren't you? I've been thinking about coming to church but I want to know that I can trust the Pastor I'm listening to. I want to know that he's an honest man. I'll see you Sunday, Pastor." The Pastor got off the bus, a little weak in the knees, and leaned against a nearby lamppost where he whispered a quick prayer - "Forgive me, Father. I almost sold out your Son for a quarter!"

I've heard it said that everyone has a price and for some people, it's pathetically low. So I've been wondering - what's my price? What would it take to convince me to "just coast"? To simply get through each day and not think about the example I'm setting?

It's no secret that I've been working through what the Bible has to say about marriage. As I think about what "my price" is, I can't help but look at the question from my position as a wife and mother. What would it take to get me to focus on my own needs and ignore what my husband and family need? What is my price for being a disrespectful, rebellious woman? Proverbs 14:1 tells us "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." So what is my price? What would it take to get me to tear my own house down?

There are those in the world that would actually encourage the kind of thinking that would tear my house down. After all, my husband and I are equals, right? I should have the right to make decisions and point out every time that he is wrong. Before any die-hard feminists put together a lynch mob, hear me out. Yes, scripture teaches that all people are equal in the eyes of God - Galatians 3:28 says, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." But scripture also tells me that God intends for my husband to be the final authority in the home, not me: "For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:23-24)"

So what's my price? Simple: the ability to indulge my own self-centeredness. I would sell out my God-given responsibilities to submit to my husband, to show him respect, and to set an example for the young ladies living in my household for the ability to be self-indulgent. Coddle my selfish nature and I will sell out. I would give up eternal blessings, peace in my home, and the ability to grow spiritually simply for the chance to be selfish. How pathetic! I have a price and it's not very high!

I wish I could find the secret to making this whole thing easy. I wish I could simply "flip a switch" or read the right book that would make submitting and surrendering easy. But nothing worth having or doing every comes easily. Each day, I must purpose in my heart that, with the help of my Heavenly Father, I will choose to submit, choose to show respect for the man that blesses my life in so many ways, and live a life that pleases my Abba. There is no way to do this except to take one day, or even just one step, at a time.

2010-05-10T13:54:00.003-05:00

Obedience is hard. Before you rush down to the "add comment" button and type in "DUH!", let me explain why I make such an obvious statement. The Holy Spirit has really been hammering on this topic in one particular are of my life - my relationship with my husband. The scriptures are very clear on a few things when it comes to a marriage relationship -

Eph. 5:22 says: Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. (This command also shows up again in Eph. 5:24 and Col. 3:18)

And Eph. 5: 33 reads: However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband (emphasis mine).

Argue with it, claim it's sexist, tell me that there are "hidden meanings" - whatever. All I know is, my Heavenly Father has commanded me to submit to my husband and to show him UNCONDITIONAL respect. I see no clauses, no exceptions and I've decided to stop looking for them. But why is it still so hard to obey these commands?

Simple. A lack of faith combined with a severe case of selfishness. I don't like admitting that. I'm a pastor's wife, after all. I'm not supposed to have a weak faith! But if I believe that God gives good things to his children, if I believe that my Heavenly Father has put commands in place that will bless my life and not curse it, shouldn't I want to obey? The fact is, I struggle most with these commands when I begin to worry about who is going to see that my needs get met. My husband needs my respect and he needs to know that I trust his position of authority in our home. When I focus on obeying my Father and meeting my husband's need, there is peace! I cannot say that my needs are always perfectly met but I know that my Father is pleased with my behavior.

I am renewing a commitment to be submissive and respectful. Not because my husband is perfect, not out of a desire to get him to meet my needs, not even so other wives will think I'm self-sacrificing. I want to be obedient. What about you?

2010-05-07T15:29:00.003-05:00

Another Feminine Friday is upon us! This week, I went with a split skirt and top - hubby actually helped pick out this outfit! (Please forgive the remnants you can see of laundry yet to be put away!)

2010-04-23T10:17:00.002-05:00

It's another Friday and, as you may have read in an earlier post, that means Feminine Friday around here! Going to try and actually get pictures of this weeks outfit so I can post them!

I keep coming back, on a personal level and in my quiet time/meditation time to the issue of how one dresses. I've kept a "mental log" so to speak of my own behavior on those days when I wear skirts vs. my behavior on days when I wear pants or shorts. Truthfully, I find that I'm just a slight bit more productive when I dress feminine. I know - my militant feminist acquantainces would rise up in anger at such a statement. Even my own daughters have commented that they wish the world would go back to the days when women wore dresses. I've spent some time trying to figure this out and I think I might have stumbled across something.

I work part time outside of my home and there is a certain expectation that I will follow certain parameters when dressing for work (I teach two afternoons a week at a small Christian school and dress accordingly!). When I wear skirts/dresses at home, I find myself approaching my day with a more "work-like" mentality. It's as though the way I clothe myself provides motivation for getting tasks done around the house.

The challenge for me is the fact that I don't have a large selection of casual skirts/dresses to choose from for days when there is lots of cleaning or laundry to do. But I'm working on that!

At least for me, dressing feminine more often than not is becoming the norm. Granted, it's warm weather and there is no danger that I will get chilly wearing dresses and skirts right now! But with the way my thinking and attitude are affected by how I dress, this may become something I do more than just on Friday!

2010-04-19T15:34:00.002-05:00

Perspective is an amazing thing.

As I said in a previous post, I broke my toe on Friday (as I sit here typing, it is now Monday). On Saturday, I had two kids with hair appointments at two very different times. My oldest had to be picked for her lunch break and then dropped back off at school (side note - she's enrolled at the local cosmetology school and she was the one doing the haircuts for the two kids mentioned earlier!). Add to this some grocery items that needed picked up, a concert performance that my youngest daughter, Janessa, and I were doing Saturday night . . . it was a busy day and that, combined with the pain in my toe, was making me one very cranky mommy. And I wallowed in my crankiness! After all, I didn't deserve the broken toe. Hubby got to go golfing and have fun with friends while I ran kids from one thing to the next and did laundry and ran to pick up stuff for dinner . . . pity party in full swing folks!

At a little after 3:30 p.m. I was leaving the house - yet again - to go pick my eldest up when her day was over. As I pulled out of the driveway, my youngest daughter, who was spending time hanging out with a friend, called me on my cell phone. I actually didn't know it was her because I didn't recognize the number on my caller I.D. Normally, I wouldn't have answered a call from a number I didn't know. It's a good thing I made an exception.

Janessa told me, "Mom, I'm not sure what time Zach will be able to get me home."

"Why?" was my very exasperated response.

"'Cuz we were just in an accident and we've gotta wait for the cops and the tow truck and stuff."

Of course I went to the most important question: "Are you guys all right? Is anyone hurt?"

"We're fine. The car rolled but we're okay." She went on to tell me that she had fallen asleep due to the fact that she and this same young man had gotten up at 4 a.m. to go turkey hunting. According to what Zach told my daughter - she slept through the accident, believe it or not! - he got a little drowsy himself and when the car drifted toward a ditch, he over-corrected, jerking the wheel and causing the car to head toward the other ditch where it rolled over, coming to rest on the driver side door. Zach had to wake Janessa up after the accident to get her out of the car. She had a headache afterwards. She might have bumped her head or it could have been stress from the whole thing. Who knows! Both kids are fine.

After that phone call, I got in touch with my husband who was just finishing up his golf game. He got in touch with our daugther and found that the accident site was on his way home!

It was a long day with many demands on my time, my pain tolerance, and my stamina. But I suddenly didn't mind. A trip to the grocery store went from a nuisance to an opportunity to be thankful that I STILL have four healthy children with healthy appetites. The fact that I had run my darling youngest daughter in to get her hair trimmed just that morning became a privilege, not a bother. All the things I had been whining to myself about ceased to matter and my pity party came screaming to an end.

I still have four teenagers living in my house and they will still get lippy. They will leave their dirty clothes on the floor, cop an attitude, forget to give me important messages, and be a little thoughtless from time to time. They are teenagers after all! But the scare of that phone call on Saturday has left me with an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I have been blessed with four healthy, normal kids. When I think of how much worse Saturday could have been . . . nope, not going there 'cuz those thoughts aren't pretty!

2010-04-17T14:19:00.003-05:00

Confession time - I'm a clutz. Now, I'm not prone to huge disasters like car accidents that total a vehicle, putting myself or a loved one in the hospital . . . no, I'm much more prone to find a bruise and not know how I got it. Or I might do something truly graceful like break my toe! A few years ago, I slipped and fell and entire flight of stairs and broke a toe on my left foot. Not my pinky toe, mind you, but the one next to it. Still don't know how it happened.

Last night, I was trying to get into the passenger seat of my van wearing a pencil skirt - it was, after all Feminine Friday! - and the narrow cut of the skirt didn't allow me to get all the way in right away. I had to sit on the edge of the seat then sort of shift myself over the rest of the way. As I was shifting, my right foot slipped and my foot hit the door frame (the door wasn't shut yet). This wouldn't have been a big deal except I was wearing dressy flip-flops and there was absolutely no protection for my toes! The only upside is I keep my clutziness symmetrical. I broke the toe next to my pinky toe, this time on my right foot. This affects not only walking but also driving and I've had to be out running errands twice already today (insert groan here).

This experience got me to thinking of the passage in I Corinthians 12 where Paul talks about the fact that we are all members of the same body and we need each other. In verses 21 and 22 of that chapter, we read, "The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I don't need you!' And the head cannot say to the feet, 'I don't need you!' On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable." Wow, am I living a very painful reminder of this truth!

The toe I have broken is, quite honestly, a small fraction of my whole being. One would be tempted to say it really shouldn't have much of an effect on my overall existence. I'm here to tell you that's just not true! After having walked around for a bit on the injured toe, I'm tired, my back aches a little from the limping, and I would just as soon spend the rest of my day with my foot propped up, moving only if absolutely necessary! Most times, I don't even think about that little digit. But it has dominated my thoughts today.

Have you ever been that person who felt like they just weren't needed in the body of Christ? Ever felt like the work you were doing wasn't really needed? Ever felt completely unappreciated? Then let me say a huge thank you to all of you who have ever wondered if what you were doing made a difference! Brothers and sisters, each of us is absolutely necessary in the body of Christ, even if we do occasionally feel like the next-to-the-smallest toe. If you weren't doing what God had gifted you to do, could I fulfill my role? Maybe. Then again, maybe not.

On the other side of this issue is the reminder that not all of us can be the "star of the show". Every one of us is going to have moments when we feel like we're just not making a difference. But are we called to "make a noticable difference" or are we called to obediently use our gifts regardless of whether or not we get noticed? In all honesty, I keep writing these blogs because I feel like I'm supposed to and I know there have been few who have read or commented. But I needed this physical reminder that I'm not called to be a star. I'm called to be obedient. What happens after that is not my concern.

My parents had missionary friends that were on the field for years before they saw one soul come to Jesus. When I say years, I mean at least 10, probably more. I know they had times when they were discouraged, when they thought about giving up. But when people started turning their hearts over to Jesus, it was like the floodgates opened. They were seeing people place their trust in Jesus every day and the number of believers in that area multiplied in a relatively short period of time. What if they had demanded a more "fruitful" assignment? What if they had decided to do something that seemed more glamourous? Think of the blessings they would have missed out on!

I guess the challenge I'm issuing to myself and to anyone who reads this is simple - you are called to use the gifts, passions, talents, and interests you have been given to build the kingdom of God. It really doesn't matter if you ever receive recognition for what you do. What matters is if you are being obedient to what God has called you to do.

2010-03-26T15:47:00.003-05:00

Shameless plug:

I took a challenge offered by a woman whose passion for her Savior I have gotten to know through connecting with her on one of my new favorite websites, cafemom.com, and through reading her blog. She laid down a challenge to try something she calls "Feminine Friday". As I read more about the concept I was intrigued. The one area in which God seems to be focusing all of my attention is the various roles I fill as a woman - wife, mother, sister, "older woman" (see Titus 2 if you don't know what I'm talking about), etc. The call to a more "feminine" mode of dress intrigued me and I have committed to not just a Feminine Friday but at least one week of skirts or dresses. It might get me some strange looks although for the three days I've been doing this I've been surprised by the number of people who tell me how nice I look. And it would likely tick off some of the more militant feminists I know. But it certainly can't hurt, right?

Truthfully, I felt called to this week-long change. Hubby noticed and we discussed my reasons: 1) I need to do whatever I can to help me remember what I have been called to as a wife. Not to try and correct my husband's flaws or to be his mother, but to demonstrate respect for him as the head of our household. 2) I need to be reminded of the responsibilities I have for setting an example worth following for the young ladies who live in my home and those I encounter in my community. 3) I need to remember that being made female does not "handicap" me. The fact that I am so drastically different from my husband is a part of God's design for the human race and I will never be truly content with myself until I learn to fully embrace what God means for a female to be.

Have I learned any heady life-changing lessons? Not really sure just yet. But I will tell you this - I seem to react a little differently when I'm dressed in a slightly more "girly" fashion.

2010-03-25T13:39:00.003-05:00

Once again, from Max Lucado's devotional, "Trust More, Fear Less":

Picture the scene. Peter, John, James. They came back . . . daring to dream that the master had left them some word, some plan, some direction, they came back.

But little did they know their wildest dream wasn't wild enough. Just as someone mumbles, "It's no use," they hear a noise. They hear a voice.

"Peace be with you." Someone looked at the door. It was still locked. The one betrayed sought his betrayers. What did he say to them? Not "What a bunch of flops!" Not "I told you so." No "Where-were-you-when-I-needed-you?" speeches. But simply one phrase, "Peace be with you." The very thing they didn't have was the very thing he offered: peace.

I love the picture that these words create. But the phrase that jumps out at me is "their wildest dream wasn't wild enough." I don't know about anyone else, but I struggle with that all the time. I try to figure out how God is gonna handle a situation - like my limited, finite, human brain can figure out God! - and I'm never even close to the actual outcome. What I need most to learn is the ability to wait and let God act rather than advising him on how he should act.

2010-03-24T11:32:00.006-05:00

Hebrews 10:22 read - "Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washe with pure water." (emphasis mine)

I grew up in the church and many very well-meaning Sunday School teachers assured me that my guilty conscience was really the Holy Spirit trying to convict me of sin. Sounds good in theory. But the Bible says that "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9). And in Psalm 103:12 I am told "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us". So - if I've confessed my sin and God has essentially removed any record of it, why was I still feeling the poke of a guilty conscience? Was the Holy Spirit just being a bully or was there something more?

I've read Hebrews 10:22 numerous times before but the phrase in italics jumped out at me this morning as I re-read the verse for a Bible study my sisters and I are doing together. As I sat there, mentally chewing on that phrase, it hit me: if I have confessed a sin and continue to feel pangs of guilt afterward, that is NOT the work of the Holy Spirit. I have been cleansed from unnecessary feelings of guilt. I do not have to let anyone - the enemy or other well-meaning human beings - place a burden of guilt on me for something that God has declared settled. So the task that lies before me is this - learning to live in the cleansing that Hebrews says I already have!

2010-03-23T11:19:00.001-05:00

Several members of our church have been reading through a devotional created by Max Lucado in preparation for the Easter season. The booklet is entitled "Trust More Fear Less" and I just had to share the reading from today, Day 17. It's an excerpt from Lucado's book, Six Hours One Friday.

Upper-room futility. Confused ambassadors behind locked doors. What will it take to unlock them? What will it take to ignite the fire? What will it take to restore the first-century passion? What will have to happen before the padlocks of futility tumble from our doors and are trampled under the feet of departing disciples? More training? That's part of it. A greater world vision? Undoubtedly. More money? That's imperative. A greater dependence on the Holy Spirit? Absolutely. There is one element so vital that its absence ensures our failure. What is needed to get us out is exactly what got the apostles out . . . they saw Jesus.

This reading hit me squarely between the eyes. In a world where even the church gets caught up in the craziness of programs, finances, and long-range planning, have we lost sight of what matters most? Programs are fine and fiscal responsibility is a must. But if our plans are focused on anything other than the Savior, it is all an exercise in futility. Oh, people may have a good time and there may be more people coming to our church. But if our goal is anything other than leading them to the foot of the cross, we have failed to have an eternal impact and missed the mark.

2009-01-09T22:45:00.001-06:00

Where have 20 years gone?!

This past Wednesday, January 7, my hubby and I hit the landmark of 20 years. 20 years! I remember when it was impressive when a couple dated for 20 months! And I have been married for 20 YEARS!

First of all, I don't feel old enough to have been married for 20 years. Okay, I know I am, in all actuality, 40 which is definitely old enough for 20 years of marriage. But there is a part of me that is in complete denial about being 40. To the deluded side of me, I'm still a young 20-something who willfully ignores the achy joints, gray hairs, and the noticeable laugh lines that are an indicator of my "advancing years."

Secondly, I certainly do not feel responsible enough or confident enough to be a 40 year old who has been married 20 years! When I was a kid, I was sure that all of the adults in my life had all of the answers and were completely capable of behaving like an adult. Truth be told, I've discovered that most of us don't have a clue and we're thrilled when we actually get it right!

Finally, there are times that I wonder if I've done enough of what matters. At my age and with 20 years of marriage (not to mention 17 years of parenting) under my belt, I see all of the lessons that I keep repeating because I haven't learned them yet; I see all the ways in which I've blown it.

In case you haven't guessed, I'm feeling introspective. Probably more introspective than is completely emotional healthy. But I guess I'm trying to figure out how to do the next 20 years better. How do I get a handle on those areas in which I continually screw up and keep what little progress I've made? And when will I ever begin to feel like a grown up?!